Why And How I Became A School Teacher -Part 2

I entered Triloki Naths office .He had a organized mind –his table was neat ,and he found things easily on them .  “Come sit down”,he said while he stapled some papers and signed them .He rang the bell.Kathuria came in ,he gave some instructions to him ,and then told him that he should not allow anyone to enter as  long as I was with him .He looked me straight in the eye .I waited for him to speak first .  “Why don’t the boys attend your classes ?Why is there such a thin attendance ?After all you have knowledge ,you can speak well,-what is the problem.When I chose you I thought you would revive the subject .It seems to have become more unpopular ?”.His voice was undulating,soft, and he choose his words as if he cursed himself to part with them .In measured quantities .I haven’t met anyone else in my life who spoke so less ,but yet with so much of passion .There was something about him that made you want to listen to him .Something i cant define -maybe in English we give it a name -aura .!!I kept quiet and waited for him to answer the questions that he had posed to me .

“Have you seen Jindals classes ?Have you seen how boys run to his class to get the front seats ?Have you seen how some stand near the windows to listen to his lectures ?”,he asked .I continued to look at him .And ,this is something that I remember so well –it was the  the fighter in me that then  took over .
I was sitting slightly hunched ,with my hands folded and arms resting on his table .I sat up straight and rested my back on the chair on which I was sitting .I put my hands on the arms of my chair –I had shed dependency on him and his table  .It was a defining moment of my life  .  I could have pussy footed my way out of the whole mess and taken the simple and easy way out and said “sorry sir”.In which case I  would still be lecturing in the college ,or perhaps risen to become a Principal .But I have never believed in simple solutions ,because they only temporarily solve ones problems .Life had taught me swimming  by throwing me into the deepest part of the pool .Even at 22 years of age ,I had undergone many upheavals that could have broken my spirit –loss of parents ,battling addiction,broken relationships –everything .This meeting with Triloki Nath was like a storm in a teacup .The fighter in me had to win against the pacifist in me . I spoke .I began slowly

“Yes Sir, the attendance in my classes is thin.But so are the applications for the course .How many people apply for a course in History Sir ?Who are the boys who don’t attend my classes ?These are boys who come to college on tractors sometimes .These are boys who threaten me to give them attendance or else face the consequences .These are boys who don’t understand my English ,what to talk of the History I teach .”And my voice had now picked up and risen to a a crescendo

“Please don’t compare me to Jindal Sir .Only compare me to him if you gave me children who are as serious and as meritorious as them .Compare me with him if all the children of my class are as obsessed to get into the I.A.S, as they are (by they I meant the children in Jindals section),in getting into IIT .Otherwise you are comparing oranges with apples .”My ego took over now “And Sir ,I can teach better than Mr Jindal .!!”I was not sure whether I was speaking the truth –but that is something I wanted to believe .!!

Triloki Nath was a experienced man –he did not get ruffled ,by what had been a passionate self defense of my credentials .He told me to sip water which was in a glass which was lying in front of me .I took a few sips and then told him .

“Sir ,I am leaving the job .I wont be coming from tomorrow because you have been able to convince me that I am getting a unemployment dole”.

His reaction was sharp “What nonsense are you talking .I am like your father .Cant I instruct you ,cant I scold you?. I did not mean it that way”,he said .But I would have none of that .My pony tail once again slapped me on  one side and then  the other as i shook my head No,No,No,.!!

“No ,my father would never have said something like  that to me .YOU ARE NOT LIKE DAD”.He was reopening a wound that would never heal throughout my life .My Dad was just not my Dad .He was my hero ,my role model .I have never become like him inspite of trying all my life .And I started to choke as I felt the void of my father in view of impending unemployment .I felt lonely and insecure .I felt completely empty and exhausted .I remember it so vividly………As if it was yesterday .

“What will you do”,Triloki Nath asked me .  “I will beg ,borrow or steal ,i will rob Peter to pay Paul,I will stoop to conquer ...." and i paused ,before i continued "but horses cant keep me here now” .David had taken on Goliath .!!As I look back ,I was a very adamant  and egoistic youngster .I got up ,went to where he sat ,and touched his feet .I told him to wish me well and pray that whatever I did in life ,I should not ever feel that I was getting a dole for it .I left his room and was out into the brightly lit corridors of DAV College.A quick look at the college building and the young college lecturer was on his way back home, on a Bajaj Scooter ,PNT 1976. Without a job !!.
I was staying with my brother and started looking at the old newspapers for vacancies .I came across one in the “Tribune”,which said that a History teacher was required in the most prestigious school of Haryana-MNSS RAI .I applied for it .I got the job .I became a school teacher .

I had a great run as a school teacher .I fell in love with Rai .The children loved me –I loved them .They still sustain me .I am in touch with each one of them .I met my wife there ,my son was born there .It was the beginning of a passionate love affair with life .I wanted to meet Triloki Nath .I respected the man for his values and his achievements ,though I thought he was not sensitive enough to tackle someone like me .Or maybe I was being oversensitive .True he had spoken  those words which still ring in my mind “I am not giving you unemployment dole”.Maybe ,i had overreacted .But then, as the famous Punjabi  poet put it

“Kuch shahar de log vi zaalim san,

Kuch sanun maran da shaukh vi see”(translated ,it means “,that true ,the people in the town were cruel,but then even I wanted to die” )

.Maybe i had a death wish .It all happened in a day .Swiftly and decisively .

Triloki Nath passed away 5 years afer I joined Rai .I took a bus to attend his funeral .As I looked at his body ,I thanked him silently –he had changed not only the way I think,but also the course of  my life .As a token of my thanks to him ,I had taken a bunch of roses .Which I placed on his dead body .And I continued to teach –till today .In a school.

(Concluded)

Why and How I Became A School Teacher

I was just out of college .I can still picture myself very  vividly without having to look at my photographs .I had long hair ,which i sometimes  used to tie  up in a ponytail .I was slim and athletic ,having played non stop cricket for many years at a reasonably high level .I was empowered with a Post Graduate degree from Delhi University and was enrolled at the Punjab University for my MPhil  Desertation .I must have been smart ,because no one avoided me and sought me out .But I was unemployed- and was on the lookout for a job .I found one at the DAV College For Men  in Chandigarh .It  was reputed to be one of the best colleges not only in Chandigarh ,but in the three states of Haryana ,Punjab and Himachal .It was led by the legendary Triloki Nath who was its Principal.

When he interviewed me ,he was frank enough to tell me that he liked me .He told me that he saw in me the makings of a good Lecturer .He advised me not to be tempted to try for the I.A.S.He knew that both my brother and brother in law were young I.A.S .officers and both were serving in the Punjab cadre and  were both  posted in Chandigarh .With a twinkle in his eyes ,he asked me to promise  that I would not take the exam !.I told him that I was determined to take the exam .I would think of accepting or rejecting the service if and when I got through .If I did not clear it ,then obviously I would not leave .At least I would have no regrets of not trying .I was selected as a Lecturer at the College.!

Mr Triloki Nath was a very strict disciplinarian .He was very nice looking with very neatly combed grey hair .He was fair , slim, had a pointed nose on which sat gold rimmed spectacles .He was not very tall .And he was a bachelor .Bachelorhood gave him a mystique –with that kind of knowledge and power ,and with those kind of looks ,why  did he not marry ?He must have been a very eligible "catch" when he was younger .I used to think about it many times .But he never  obsessed me  enough for me to go into his personal life .I saw him everyday ,as he walked the corridors , dressed mostly in starched white shirts  and white cotton trousers .He never tucked his shirt into his trousers .He seldom smiled .He was a no nonsense man .I tried to read his silence vis a vis me .I thought he liked me .!!

I was given BA First, and BA Second Year to teach .History was not a favoured subject in the college ,and mostly students were admitted on sports quota, or a few who were chasing the IAS dream (infact 3 of them got in –one of them Rajeev Talwar is Indian Ambasssdor to the UAE ,and one boy Dulet and Sodhi also made it –forget where they are ,but they were in touch with me after getting selected ),took History as a subject .The others were mostly sportmen .One  such sportsman was Kapil Dev ,who was on my attendance registers roll. .Another was Yograj Singh(ah ,what terrific looks)  ,father of Yuvraj Singh ,the present cricketing heartthrob .All the boys were taller, and bigger  compared to me –there were 47 children in my 2^nd Year Class .

The attendance was always thin .No matter how good a teacher was ,the boys were just not interested in studying history .Infact Kapil was playing Test Matches ,and i remember the college felicitating him on making his test debut at Faislabad in Pakistan .Even I clapped as I watched words and bouquets being showered on him in the College Auditorium.At that time one never knew the heights that Kapil would achieve .His mentor in College was one Mr Kakar who happened to be my head of the Department .A go getter Punjabi if ever there was one .Mr Marriya ,the present Principal and a well known tennis administrator was a young lecturer as well .I think he taught English .Of course the legend and star of the college was one Mr Jindal ,who taught Physics .His classes overflowed with children -he had the advantage of teaching a subject that was much in demand in addition to being a fabulous teacher .I sometimes used to stand near the window and see him perform .He used to move about a  lot ,used his hands freely and when in full flow ,looked like he was performing a fabulous dance .I wanted to be like him .!!

I went about my work meticulously –preparing notes on small paper cards ,a practice I never gave up throughout my teaching career .Mr Triloki Nath would walk past my class everyday ,and it used to come as a relief once he had gone past .There were stories that he would come into a class and pick on either the students or the teacher .Because of his academic and administrative stature he got away with it .No one ever expressed dissent even though they felt humiliated .

One day what I  dreaded  happened .He walked passed my class ,and I heaved a sigh of relief .But not for long .God knows what went through his mind ,because he came back and stood at the door .He looked me straight in the eye and asked

“Kain ,how many children are there on your rolls”?

“ 47 Sir ”,I replied .

“And how many are present”?he asked

“13 Sir .”,I replied (as usual ,the attendance was low ,and only the brighter ones were present ).

And then he spoke the most insensitive words anyone can tell a young man who was insecure and trying very hard to make a mark in a subject that few opted  for –History .

“Do you think  I am giving you unemployment dole ?Meet me in my office after your class.”,he said .

Those words stung me ,and paralysed my thought processes .I felt very  small in front of the 13 children who admired me ,  –they were only 3 years or so younger than me .I could  not teach for the rest of the period .My mind  came quickly to 2 conclusions .Either Triloki Nath was going to ask me to quit ,or if not ,I would quit .There was no way ,I was going to come back to the class the next day .As far as i was concerned ,i had taken  my final lecture in the class .My eyes swept across the 13 boys who looked at me as shocked .I used to carry a leather bag (like the medical representatives do –though slimmer and sleeker ,I still have it !!),and I put my notes and Thompsons “A History of Europe Since 1789”(I still have that as well),into it and told the boys that I was being thrown out or else leaving .I shook hands with them –they protested “No sir we will talk to Principal Sir”,and stuff like that ,but I had made up my mind .I shook my head ,from one side to the other and could feel my pony tail slap me against my ears .!!No,No ,No ,i protested  .When I am obstinate –I can die for  decision i have taken .This was one such decision .

“Keep in touch .Its always good to have friends .Its a big world (there was no internet those days ),and we will get lost if we don’t make a effort to keep in touch .”And I looked at Harinder “Harinder ,when you become Harry,let me know”.!!Harinder was planning to migrate to America ,where I presumed he would change his name to Harry !!

Slowly ,and with a storm brewing in my mind ,I walked towards the Principals office .I met his PA, one Mr Kathuria .He smiled at me and said “Kya baat hai Kain Sir. Principal Sir ne bulaayaa hai ,ki khud milne aayeh ho”?

“Nahi Kathuriaji, Sir neh bolaaya hai”.He raised his eyebrows and said 

“Koi baat nahin ,aaraam se sun lenaa.Argue mat karnaa.Dil ke acchhey hai”.

 I gave him a steely look .I did not need to tell him anything .But ,I was certainly not going to listen to his advice .The young post graduate had too much of pride in himself to keep quiet .He had already made up his mind .He was playing with high stakes .He could ill afford to be defensive at such a young age  .I was 22 years old .I was  wearing my Kolhapuri chappals and faded jeans .And i was staring  at a future which smelt of unemployment .But as always  I backed my instincts .I entered Triloki Naths office .

Schools -The Role of The Principal !!

Schools play a very important part in the future of a country .It is a place where children learn the basics of all skills that are required to propel the country towards a goal in which everyone gets a equal opportunity to excel .However schools –many of them –fail to deliver .We have some excellent schools ,some average schools and some rank bad schools .We also have rank bad schools become good schools and good schools become excellent schools .The reverse is also true –some excellent schools become good and then become bad .In all this up and down movement ,the question arises –who and what is responsible for schools becoming excellent or bad.? (I am not going into what constitutes a good school ).

I have witnessed superb schools becoming bad  .And I have seen from close up why they got into the pits.

It is common to blame the managements ,the teachers or the students for schools being good or bad. “Oh,the staff is not good”,is what a Principal promptly says when a school does badly in any area.Or “The Mangement is totally shortsighted .They are too commercial”,is another reason commonly given .Or the buck is passed on to the students (they come from business families –they are not motivated enough to work hard .After all they will step into their parental business !!).And of course the parents “They are least interested ,they don’t come to PTMs or don’t follow up with the school”!!

After having worked in schools for more than 30 years (20 of them as a Principal and now as a Director),I have no hesitation in saying that the destiny of a school is very closely intertwined with the quality of the leader of the school –the Principal .It is the Principal who makes or breaks a school.Why don’t some Principals deliver ?

1.Some of them tend to get too selfish .They usually  will be the first to try to get whatever benefits they can squeeze out of the system .I know Principals who have innumerable  airconditioners in their homes provided by the management and living alone .!!And having more than one car and those too  which normally are used by the industrialists ! .And frequenting 5 Star Hotels and wrangling foreign trips from school accounts .In other words –many Principals behave as if they are from a different planet .Whereas in real life they might still be living in one bedroomed flat(of course nothing wrong with that ) when they retire .There is a huge disconnect between what they are and what they project to be  ..The focus should be in making sure that the gap between them,the teachers,the supporting staff, and the kids does not degenerate into one that smacks of what happens in most of India –the haves and the have-nots .For many Principals, the line between need and greed gets blurred .Anf it finally merges into a single pursuit –greed.A greedy Principal –a bad school .A magnanimous Principal –a good school .I think all selection procedures should centre around not how intelligent or qualified a Principal is –but how good a human being she/he is .It is not uncommon to a see the decline set in when a selfish Principal succeeds a magnanimous on .I have seen it over and over again .

2 Selfish Principals' ,will gather around him/ her selfish followers.(Birds of a feather flock together ).The true professional in the teaching profession will always be out of sync with a non professional Principal because the latter will reward people who indulge in pschophancy and blind obedience-to the extent in becoming a collaborator in wrong doings  .A professionally run system will be based on policies which are made after intense deliberation and debate .And after everyone has been convinced.The Principal like a General or the Chief Secretary or the Prime Minister needs advice .And if this advice comes from a psychophant ,then the Principal is doomed.Thats why Principals must be allowed to choose their Vice Principals and Headmasters/Headmistresses.I worked in a school in which the Vice Principal landed up one day with a appointment letter without the Principal knowing anything about it .Can you believe it ?Yes it did happen .!!Whereas its should be the prerogative of the Principal to decide  what sort of person is he/she? Is he /she a person the staff  will listen to? Is he/she  someone that staff will respect? Is he someone who has some desire,- I don't mean an overweening ambition, but some desire to stand his /her authority on a group of people? He must have some ideas about how a team should be run, who tactically thinks about the school, who has interesting suggestions to make, who can stick up for things when things go badly. A whole range of qualities are called for in a group leader like a Vice Principal.Thats why good schools will have good Vice Principals.!
The Principal because he/she should be having more knowledge and wisdom should be able to convince .But he/she should never force .We live in a highly democratic world and everyone expects answers .Either convince or get convinced –that is the mantra .A school in which things are done in a hush hush manner is never going to get the full and energetic participation of its staff .They will get rebellious .And demotivated .The systems should be such that the Principals discretionary powers become nil.I know of schools in which Principals send teachers abroad without revealing their names till the last day !!Why should this happen? .Or worse still on the day when the trip is to leave ,you find the Principals on board  the flight –because “some teacher”,pulled out in the last moment .And the  poor Principal  did not have a choice but to take such a long and ardous flight .!!The same lack of transparency is evident when teachers apply for leave .The near and dear ones are given leaves and the “non compliant”ones are marked on leave without pay .Very Medieval ways of running schools .Transparency is a must .There is no other way .Everyone has a cell phone ,a laptop ,a IPAD,-and all have access to email .There is no getting away from facts .Gone are the days of suppressed information .All progressive Principals must get out of the 80s ,90s and early 20^th century syndrome and mindset that relevant people are not accessible to the staff .The social media and the growing number of bloggers have given unheard voices a huge platform .

3.Managements will always have a view point .And they will always try to hammer it down the throat of  Principal .It is not their fault .Because they are not teachers .Many of the private schools are owned by businessmen .I don’t think many Principal own schools !It is the bounden duty of  a Principal to stand up and be counted when the management tries to implement something wrong .A very small example .When children have to be admitted to a school ,it is the Principal who admits them .And the Principal has every right to make a choice based on the criterion prevalent (for example the Ganguly Committee criterion).The managements /politicians may not know all that .They will tend to push in their candidates .The pressure will come from everywhere –the police ,the press,the income tax department .But the Principal must have a spine to stand up for what is right .If he/she does the wrong thing ,then not only is he/she likely to be prosecuted ,but will also fall in the eyes of the students and the staff .Which is the cancer in the schooling system-if you lose respect and continue to lose it ,it is like cancer spreading .It will consume not only the Principal –but also the school.Respect and dignity cannot be calculated on laptops and ipads .They are immeasurables and keep gnawing away at system –till one day one realizes that it is hollow .Principals must have guts vis a vis the Mangements .Managements tend to like Principals who differ(at least the good ones do ).Its no point being a lamb in front of them and a paper tiger in front of your staff .Being a lamb and a paper tiger is a deadly mix –like a mix of rum and whiskey !!Its going to knock you down instead of giving you a “high” because of which you mixed it !!

4.A good school will have a Principal with a vision .Visionary Principals will take decisions which will impact positively in the long run, though they may appear unattractive in the short run .I remember a boy in the hostel running away at night  in a school in which I was the Principal .It was a nightmare because the press overplayed its role (its sensational news !!),and the pressure started to mount .We were able to track the child (who was from Bharatpur )and I was insistent that he must be asked to leave .The decision was taken because I was looking at the future –if we let him off ,then we would be having kids who would do the same thing and more importantly we would not be in a position to do anything to them ,because of the precedent of having let of a boy previously .Politicians got into the act  ,human right activists got into the act ,but I was adamant .When the management asked me my views ,I said “Its either him or me”.!!I am not saying I am a visionary –all I am saying is that I was looking into all aspects before taking a decision .I was taking the side of the hard right ,instead of the easy wrong .

Visionary Principals will also run schools by not looking at the mistakes (real or imagined )of the previous Principal.I worked in a school in Haryana under a fabulous Principal .He had vision ,he had personality ,he had knowledge and he was kind .He got caught up in petty politics and finally left for another school .The school was at its pinnacle when he left it .Unfortunately the new Principal was shortsighted .All he tried to do was to find faults of the previous Principal .I am told that his  first brief to some staff members was “I want to know the names of all teachers who cried when ………. was given a farewell”.What a shame .How can you have a Principal (who is the custodian of the future of the children),be like that .?If the regime (yes I will call it a regime !!)of a Principal is based on “anti”,the previous Principal,then the school will hurtle towards disaster.Its a lesson I never forget –one cant run institutions by being anti someone .You must run institutions by being pro SOMETHING –A IDEA ,A MISSION .Because you cant run institutions by being so small as to reduce it to being anti a individual .It has to be wedded to a LARGE IDEA .When I shifted to DPS Ahmedabad ,I made sure that the previous Principal sat in my office for weeks .And we worked in tandem for nearly 2 years (he is leaving to take over as the Principal of a prominent DPS in North India ).I told him that I am not going to do different things .I am going to do them differently .I was not going to change the name of the Houses ,nor the leave rules ,nor the period distribution ,nor the coordinators etc .I was  just going to try to nudge here a little and there a little .And for that I needed his inputs .Because both of us are not trying to create a future for ourselves –but for the children and teachers who need to be trained and given opportunities  to take over as future Principals .

And that ultimately is the catch –we are in the game as referees and not participants .We are in the game as coaches and not players .We are in these positions because we are wiser and more experienced .We cant be competing with teachers and feel jealous of them when they get the limelight .And no Principal can be good if he/she competes with a teacher .After all the Principal is a notch higher .And that is where he/she should belong  .High in esteem in the eyes of the staff .Only such leadership will ensure a good school .I have always tried to follow the wise Lao –Tsu who said this about leadership

  “The best  leaders, are those who are not noticed –they walk beside you,

 The next best are leaders we  honor, and praise.

 The next, are leaders  the people fear;

 And the worst , are leaders who people hate

When the best leader’s work is done the people say, ‘We did it ourselves!”

It is difficult to put into  practice the above –BUT WE MUST TRY .!!

A 47 Day Love Affair-Part 3

The Kauffman Cafe had a medieval touch about it.Very beautiful.Very neat.And very innocent looking  .It exuded a warmth.It had hung on its walls paintings of Rembrandt ,Monet and others . There were 3 middle aged ladies and a 50yrs plus  man who approached me with a warm smile. They asked me what I wanted to eat .I asked for Erdapel Salat,and Wiener Scnitzel and a glass of red Zweigelt wine .But my eyes were searching for Anneliese (Mrs Schidmt?).I was restless .All of a sudden I saw the biscuits that Anneliese gave me when I was in college (along with a packet of chocolates ).The speciality of the biscuits apart from their magnificent taste was that they had ingrained on them the word “Kaufmann’’.Each one of them .!!I asked for some of them and asked the man who got them for me
 “Are you a Kaufmann?’’I asked .
He replied in the negative ,but pointed to the prettiest of the three ladies and said,
“Her mother is a Kaufmann .”
I was desparate to meet Anneliese so I left part of my meal un eaten and approached the girl and asked her the name of her mother .She told me it was Christiana .With a huge emotional upsurge ,and a bit of hesitation ,i asked her whether she had a aunt whose name was Anneliese.She looked at me from top to bottom and her piercing eyes sized me up .She replied ,
 “Yes ,but she passed away many years back.But who are you?How do you know her ?’’
I did not answer the questions she asked me .I was silent .There was a lump which built up in my throat .There had been no contact or relationship with Anneliese for 37 years –but there is a difference in accepting a separation from accepting  death .Death is so final.It leaves one with no hope of reconciliation of any kind.After regaining my composure ,I asked the girl whether I could meet Christiana .I told her that I had met her Aunt many years back . And that I was from India. The girl started talking on the phone with her mother  and asked me my name .I told her I was “Coolu” because that’s the way Anneliese used to call me .She looked very quizzically at me ,and told me
 “Come lets go home ’.

After a short walk,I  entered the gate of the Kauffmans’ home, where Christiana was waiting for me .I had taken two bouquets of chrysanthemums with me .I handed one of them to Christiana as I hugged her warmly .We held each other in a tight embrace .In deafening silence .I held her like that for a long long time –one  minute .It felt like 37 years .She looked so much like Anneliese .The same blue eyes ,the same blond hair, now with a liberal sprinkling of white  and the same voice. Very, very attractive .And with the beauty that sadness sometimes adds to your personality

 “ I knew your sister for the 21 days she was in India .And then for another 26 days after she left India ,through letters we wrote to each other .She was more than an acquaintance .I cant explain even till today ,why it seems I knew her for a lifetime .I have come to return her T-shirt ,and I want to visit her grave and place these flowers on it .I tried to look for the most beautiful flowers –but there can be nothing that can match her beauty.Maybe you.”
I looked and searched  deep into her eyes looking for Anneliese  .In those deep pools I could see shades of her .

‘Yes ,you look a lot like her –she told me people mistook you for twins sometimes ’.
She held me tightly-and then her grip loosened .All of a sudden the weight of her body seemed to disappear. It was as if all the grief was being released .She clung to me like a baby. As I held her protectively ,I could see the cows over her shoulders .I counted them .There were 6 of them .It was as if time had stood still.And then she whispered “I know you.Very well .Anneliese used to talk a lot about you”.

She took me inside the house and to the room where Anneliese must have spent most of her life .There were 5 photographs that adorned the walls –one with hair coiled up ,another with a small puff (a la Ingrid Bergman style),another on a boat with  wind swept hair on the Adriatic Coast with dark shades ,one with her in the dress of the Austrian Airlines , and the last of her running on the beach at Puri .I still remember taking that snap
 “Run slowly Anneliese.” I had said ‘’You are running too fast .Run as if a scorpion is chasing you ,and not a  a tiger .And look back a little .You are running away from me .Your camera doesn’t have that kind of shutter speed”I had yelled.
She had slowed down and I had clicked .It was a beautiful frame, with her kicking up granules of sand behind her as she ran away from me  .She had said after the photograph “You said  that I was running away from you .No I was not .I was running away from the world towards you.”All of it  came back as if it was yesterday .Still so fresh.Still so vivid..

I asked Christiana what happened after Anneliese came back from India .She told me she had said she had met someone "who was very clever" !!,and that she wanted to marry him .However destiny had other ideas .While flying to Morroco (she was flying that sector ),the plane crashed over Gibralter.There were no survivors .All 59 on board perished .She said it was a widely reported disaster ,but since I was actively involved in playing University Cricket ,I must have missed the event .I was not aware of the tragedy .There was no way Anneliese could have survived even a small fall ,leave alone a crash –she was so delicate and fragile –just like the Swaroski crystals Austria is famous for .What about the subsequent letters that I had written after her passing away on the 23^rd of October? .Christiana told me that they were still unopened and proceeded to bring a small wooden box in which they had been preserved “Do u want to take them back –they are yours.”

‘No ,they are hers .I wrote them  for her .I know what I wrote in them .I don’t know what you will do with them –but I don’t want them back .Please.’’

‘In that case please take back the T shirt that she gave you .That is also yours.”Christiana had preserved the belongings of Anneliese very systematically-the pens ,the sun glasses ,the wollens and yes the many bottles of Chanel 5.I picked up one and smelt it .Yes Chanel smelt like Anneliese and not the other way around .At least to me .

I went to the cemetery where she was buried .Near the church .It read “Anneliese Kauffman 1953-1973’’The dash between the 2 milestones of her life does not explain her relationships.I placed the bunch of flowers on the grave .Sensations ,Hazratbal,the runs on the beach at Puri,the aarti at Badrinath where I proposed to her ,the Nahargarh Fort where she stood on the parapet and said ‘’I am jumping off’’!!,the Taj Mahal-“why doesn’t someone build something like that for me’’she had asked !!,all came back into my mind in  psychedelic formations .I offered a small prayer for her .As I did that the chimes of the church bells rang out loudly .Someone had just got married for whom the bells were chiming .

Before leaving Villach ,I told Christiana ,that I would write one last letter for Anneliese after I leave from Villach .And like the other letters that had remained  unopened ,she should put it along with them .There was not a single letter which I had written to her in the knowledge of her death .Maybe the dead can do things we cant –maybe she could still read the letters .

I left Villach .I reached Praha .I left for Istanbul where I was to spend 10 days with my sister.And then back into the airport at Istanbul for my long flight back to India .I settled into my seat .Suddenly I could get a whiff of the Chanel .Someone was obviously wearing one .The food came .As I looked out of my window ,I saw a beautiful cloud .It wafted slowly towards my window.I wrote my last letter to Anneliese “I don’t like the food they serve .I wish I was on  Austrian Airline flight rather than a Turkish Airline one .The food would have tasted so nice if you served me .A cloud just came very close to my window. It smelt like you.I thought it was you .It smiled at me and then disappeared .I have kept my promise and visited your pretty town and house .Now you keep yours .You have been so unkind that you  haven’t come to me even once-not even in my dreams .But doesn’t matter .As Elizabeth Browning wrote –you came ,but never went away.”

That very night in the hurly burly ,dust and grime of Delhi ,something happened that never happened all these years –I dreamt of Anneliese .I was chasing her on the beach at Puri .And she was running away from me .!!

A 47 Day Love Affair -Part 2.

The distance from Vienna to Villach is about 200 miles.It has some of the most beautiful sights that the world can offer .Lovely streams ,rolling hills ,beautiful cottages standing in isolation ,grazing cows ,perfectly blue skies ,and innumerable lakes .And lovely highways with hardly any traffic on them .The bus was filled with Austrians who were by and large silent .Once in a while a child would yell at something on the road –but since I do not understand German ,I could not capture  his excitement .The bus meandered its way through small but extremely well kept towns,Perchtoldsdorf,Voslau,Ternitz,Glesdorf,Graz-which is a big town by Austrian standards ,it has a small airport as well-and Klagenfurt .All of a sudden a signboard appeared which announced that we were just 38 km short of Villach.There was a sharp bend to the right (the left took one to Slovenia).When my eyes saw  the signboard, my heart and mind , all of a sudden got activated .The town started encroaching on the flanks –and and from a slight elevation, it looked like a riot of colours .Every house seemed to have a garden ,and every house seemed to be having a long driveway to its entrance .The flowers were arranged in bunches of different colors –so one could see a bunch of yellow flowers for about 10 feet ,then a bunch of red flowers for another 10 feet,and so on .Some of them were mixed up bunches .The landscaping was like a painting by Monet or Van Gogh(for the intensity of its colors). The entire countryside was like that .The bus stopped at the main square where I had  booked myself in in a small family run hotel .I checked in and asked for Hauptplatz.The kind lady told me that it was just about 2kms from where I was staying –in Warmbader Allee-,and that I must walk
“Is there a bakery called “Kaufmann Bakery’’,I enquired.
 “Of course ,there is –but very expensive.”
I wanted to ask her about the owner-Annelieses’ Dad( presuming he was still alive ),but refrained .I would take a trip down to the bakery and then if I got the right answers –to Annelieses’ house .That would be the next day .It had been a tiring day .And I was interested in having the famous wine, bacon and ham for dinner .I was hungry .

Next morning I was up early .The land lady asked me whether I wanted a early breakfast or not – I told her that I would like to eat something at Kaufmann Bakery .She appeared quite surprised as to why I was so interested in Kaufmann Bakery .I had enquired about it the previous night and I was spurning the offer to have a meal  at her hotel home .I told her that since a friend of mine had recommended it to me ,I felt the need to have a look in.After all I would be leaving the next  morning and I did not like leaving things till the end.
“Its just the way I am”,I added
I slipped in a question
“Who runs it ?”
“The Schimdts” she replied
“But did not Mr Kaufman run it once upon a time.”I enquired.
“He did ,but after his death about 30 yrs back ,his daughter took over .She is married to a Schimdt He was a nice man Mr Kaufmann  ,though not very lucky.”
By this time my mind was swirling with thoughts .Did Anneliese get married to Mr Schidmt?Or was her elder sister married to him? .She had told me she had a elder sister and though they were separated in age by 2 years ,the people in the town sometimes mistook them  for twins.Before I could ask any more questions,the landlady had  left the room ,and after about a hour, I took to the streets of Villach.

Small towns in Europe are really small ,and everyone knows everyone .!!You find groups of people huddled together exchanging notes and pleasantries .The shops are small-and very pretty.And usually brightly coloured –sometimes in dark yellow or red .The roofs are ineveitably choclate coloured and when you descend on to Praha for example ,you feel as if u are going over slabs  and slabs of peeled Cadbury chocolates .The walls of the  coffee bars are inevitably made of dark wood and seldom will you find anyone sitting alone inside .They usually will be  in pairs .The women are very pretty and have wonderfully maintained frames .The men are tall and handsome – mostly narrow at the waist and broad at the chest .One feels one has come to some other planet .

I swung the doors of Kaufmann café open and entered.I had finally arrived to confront Anneliese and ask her about things which were important to me ,and should have been important for her as well .30 years or a lifetime does not diminish the value of some relationships .I looked around ......

A 47 Day Love Affair.Part 1

It was a lovely day in June when I boarded a bus from Prague  ( pronounced called Praha),to make my way up into Vienna .The scenery enroute is like a picture post card –absolutely stunning with the greenest trees and meadows interspersed with the lovely colours of bursting flowers .The air one breathes is so fresh ,that in comparison with  a city in India, it feels as if one has been released from a gas chamber .I was on a important mission .I was going to look for Anneliese ,amongst the prettiest girls I had ever met in my life .My mind wandered back to 1973 when I was just 18 years old…………

I had been in Delhi University for nearly two years .In many ways I was  in the prime of my life –had grown up from a school boy and knocking at the doors of manhood .I did all things that normal grown up boys do while in college –from playing cricket,taking part in debates ,eating out ,having preference for good clothes,trying out drinks , and of course being attracted to the fairer sex.I had a group of friends ,and together we would, once in a while frequent the few discotheques in the city .Notably the ''Cellar''(now extinct)in Cannuaght Place (I think even C.P has been renamed ),Wheels (at the Ambassador hotel near Khan Market),and our favourite haunt called ''Sensations'',at the Maidens Oberoi.Sensations was a favourite hangout for most of Delhi University students ,because it was walking distance from most campus colleges and bang next door to IP College for girls –a college in which most of us had acquaintances and it thus became easier to take girls out from there for a dance to "Sensations" for a date .Just next to the disco in the hotel ,was a very happening French Restaurant called "AUBERGE",and many a celebrtity could be spotted there .Shashi Kapoor,Nawab of Patuadi,Clive Lloyd,Farrouk Engineer,and Zeenat Aman were among the few for whom we used to  wait outside ,while they ate their meals inside .!!Maidens was a great place to hang around  -I don’t know whether it still exists or a mall has been built in its place .I haven’t been to that side of Delhi for nearly 30 years ,even though my good friend Vinod Dua and his lovely wife Chinna live near there .

 It was  one day,while I was waiting outside Auberge to catch a glimpse of the famous film star Rajendra Kumar ,that I noticed Anneliese .I still remember her so clearly .She was wearing a dress , (in school we used to call them frocks)just above her knees ,carried a very delicate looking bag (not like the monsters  ladies carry these days!! ) had crystal clear blue eyes ,blond hair and was slim . She was tall by Indian standards-maybe close to 5'7 .For someone that tall she had remarkably small feet -but they never tired carrying her anywhere .She could walk throughout the day and dance through the night .!!Even if one was blind –one would give her a second look .!!  She was walking out of Auberge –a little lost (a lost appearance can look very attractive at times !!).I sat there looking at her .She swayed as she walked and as she came closer towards me ,I could get a whiff of a very expensive perfume .Momentarily she stopped next to me and asked "Where is the disco,please"(she always appended the word "please",with most of her queries as I was to know later).I gave her the directions and instinctively asked her whether she was alone .When she said yes –I at once asked her whether I could join her because I was alone as well .Quite to my my surprise (she did not know me at all,and I aint that good looking),she said yes .!!And that was the beginning of a 47 days love affair of mine  with Anneliese.

Anneliese was in India for 21 days and in  Delhi for 4 days out of those 21 days .The rest of her visit was to take her to the normal places that tourists go to –Agra,Srinagar,Jaipur ,Puri,and surprisingly Badrinath ."I love your Gods",she cooed while we attended the aarti at Badrinath .!
"What do you mean by my God and your God ,Anneliese",I shot back "There is only one God

She looked stumped,threw her arms around me (I still can get a whiff of the perfume ),and said "You are so clever –I love you"!!

I pulled her closely to my body ,looked straight into her lovely blue eyes and whispered ,

"Then marry me"!!.
There was a pregnant silence .My was a reaction ,but her was a response .Yes ,she would marry me when I finished college ,but she would come every six months to meet me .She was entitled to free tickets because she was a air hostess with Austrian Airlines .Yes Annelisse was a Austrian ,who came from  south of Austria from a place  called "Villach"(pronounced FILLACH).She told me that after I became a graduate ,I could marry her and then we could settle down in Villach where her family ran a bakery .
"My dad is getting old ,and he has seen too much of a upheaval.He always talks about me and my sister  looking after the bakery and coffee shop."she said .
They had migrated from Karlovy Vary—original name Carlsbad-- (now in the Czech Republic ),when it came under  Russian influence and communism was imposed on the people there .Their family ,like many other families under communism had "sneaked" out of Karlovy and had migrated  to other places to escape the repression under communism, and found their way into Austria.First to Vienna and then southwards to pretty Villach.There their family had started a bakery called "Kaufmann Bakery "which made lovely biscuits and chocolates(she presented me lots of them),apart from the normal bakery stuff .She had a elder sister and apart from many other things they owned as a family ,they also owned 6 cows.!!It was from the milk of these cows that most of the baked stuff came .She said they were very happy ,but her burning desire to see the world ,had prompted her to join the Airlines industry.And as a part of her dream ,she was in India to explore the sounds ,smells and colours of our great country .Very soon we became not just good friends –but lovers.!

For 21 days I traveled with Anneliese Kaufmann.I went to Puri and onto the beach there .She just could not stop laughing when she saw some women swimming in the sea with their sarees on.!!
"Are they shy ?Or are they hiding their fat?" she asked .
"Anneliese ,if they were to hide their fat,then look at that guy there(I pointed to a fat man with his paunch nearly below his knees !!).He would have to be dressed in a three piece suit and swim.!!Its just that women are inhibited in India".

"Will you marry one of these types ?."

"No ,I will marry someone who swims in a bikini-you"!!And i picked her up and ran into the sea .!!!The waves engulfed us. 

And thus it continued –Agra,Jaipur,Srinagar ("it reminds me of Salzsburg",she said )and then finally back to Delhi.The next day -22^nd September –she was to fly out .We went for dinner to a Chinese restaurant called "Yorks",in the inner circle of Cannaught Place ,overlooking Minto Bridge .We promised each other to write everyday (there were no cell phones!!).She was to come back to India in March the following year .The  next day we made our way to the Palam Airport .Before leaving she gave me a T shirt which was heavily sprayed with the perfume she wore .
"It wont go away for years " she told me ."It is a Chanel 5!!When you miss me just open up the bag and you will get my whiff .And don’t you dare come close to a women who wears a Chanel.You might mistake her for me."
She had become possessive!! .The plane took off –it was a cloudy day .

For the next 26 days ,we wrote to each other .Every day .The letters used to take 3 days to reach both ways in  those days .So any letter would be news of the past 3 days .She wrote beautifully for a girl so young .I remember the first letter she wrote after her flight took off .Part of it read like this "I am airborne .Just don’t like anything they serve .Maybe if you served the food it would taste wonderful .I just saw a cloud following our plane .It was a beautiful cloud .It came very close to my window .I thought it was u .I tried to touch it .It smiled at me and went away ,and as I watched it, it, dissappeared .Promise me you wont disappear like the cloud"!! Ah, what can you write as a reply to that except the good old Browning lines
"You came and never went away".She was absolutely thrilled with the lines and wrote back
"You are as always very clever.I miss your voice.I love you"

We continued to write to each other for 26 days after she left India .The last letter I got from her was dated 16^th October .She had come back from a flying duty to Morroco.She had teased me in the letter that the men there were extremely handsome –‘’but not clever’’.And then suddenly the letters stopped .I continued to write .Everyday for 15 days .And still no response .It was not like Anneliese not to respond .The last letter I wrote to her was in anger .
"If you have lost interest in me -then tell me so .I always thought you were brave and gutsy to speak your mind .And  you don’t respond to this letter of mine ,then I will think you are dead .But I hope you are alive .I look forward to a letter from you .I miss you .I may be clever –but not clever enough to understand this"
But to my horror –there was no reply …………….

I was now on my way to Villach to find out about Anneliese Kaufmann.Very soon, I was in the spic and span bus stand of Vienna (Wien).From here I was to change buses and take the one that would take me to Villach to confront Annelise whom I had not met for 35 years.I was all grey now ,there was much that had changed in my looks ,I was past 50 years of age ,and maybe I was not all that clever .In my hand I carried a small packet .It contained a T shirt ,sprayed with Chanel 5 perfume .I was carrying a little bit of Anneliese with me .It was  like carrying coal to Newcastle .I was going to her home town .I was going to Villach .

(To be continued )

My Battle To Survive -Conquering The Final Frontier .

I used to look at my squash bag and my cricket kit everyday .They were a souce of inspiration and they mocked me everytime I saw them .They seemed to challenge me to use them again .These were two sports that had taught me everything in life .The endless games on the squash courts with my dear friends Vinoo and P.C,at Rai were kind of legendary .There was no way we would not put in 2/3 hours everyday –come rain,heat wave ,cold wave –anything .When Rajive Gandhi was assasinated –we were in the courts .When my new car was delivered to me –we were at the courts .When we got married –our wives would accompany us to the courts .The courts was a place where we learnt everything that schools don’t often teach-the joy of competing and winning and to take defeat in a good spirit .It taught us the value of good health –we never took any pills till we played together .Same with cricket .My association with cricket was older than squash .I was awarded cricket colours in school and went on to captain my college in Delhi in the game .The sound of the hard leather ball on the willow as I cut ,pulled and drove was a sound one cannot buy on a CD or a audio cassette.I honed my listening and speaking skills glued to the transistor and hearing the legends of cricket commentary-Brian Johnston ,John Arlott,Trevor Bailey (I had the great pleasure of meeting him at Lords two years back),Devraj Puri (father of Narrotam Puri),Vizzy,Alan Mgilvray,Charles Fortune (ah vintage South African commentator)and many more .Sample one of these descriptions of John Arlott as he sat describing Wes Hall ,the fearsome West Indian fast bowler prepare to bowl to Tom Graveney ,the elegant English batsman ‘’And Hall gets back to the top of his bowling mark .Its a beautiful day at Lords as the sun sets on it .The bright green outfield looks as if it has been sprayed with honey –giving it a yellowish tinge .Hall runs away from us ,his shirt ballooning in the wind drifting in from the south west of the ground .A train pulls away for  Paddington and whistles away –as does Hall.”.And all that in his South Hampshire voice –gruff and measured .To a  young boy ,listening to the transistor with his ears glued to it ,it was like sitting at Lords .And when I went to Lords –I looked for the train that was on its way to Paddington .It had probably been discontinued .Wesley Hall had retired  long  back and John Arlott had left for heaven and am sure was entertaining listeners there .He and the other greats made me not only fall in love with cricket ,but also got me married to it .Squash was like a mistress of mine .And I was able to manage both of them .

After my illness i  took to the squash courts in an attempt to win back my mistress .And also to play with my son ,Pratique .Playing with him was a ecstacy that i seldom used to experience anywhere else .We would fight ,we would laugh and we would take refreshment breaks .Post my illness it was difficult ,but I was sure it was not impossible .Pratique , my companion was very sensitive and magnanimous in the endless sessions we used to have –for me it was a exercise in trying to win back my space which I had abdicated –but for him it was a sacrifice in trying to lose to me .There was no way I could win –I used to toss the small squash ball to serve and try to connect it with my racquet –but oops ,I would miss completely .I may have started to run ,but the eye –hand coordination had completely deserted me .I used to look at him ,almost defeated in the mind.I would sit down on the stairs and look at him and say "Tiks (his pet name ),should we go back home .I am not liking it" .And he would say –‘Come on Dad,go for it .Its just a matter of practice.Its most unlike you .Come on -walk the talk you give all of us .Try!! ".Its amazing how much he contributed in my effort to fight back .And i am sure it took away many years of the schoolboy from his life and converted him into a man before time .

And so it continued .Day after day .After some time ,I started connecting .But still the signs of

The Battle To Survive -Part 2

After being struck down by the  near fatal illness ,I came back home to Jaipur, three days prior to Lohri .I was told not to meet people though I would be allowed to attend a small celebration which our hostel staff had arranged on the occasion of Lohri .It was the first time I was going to step out from my house and into the open skies from which I had been kept away in the confines of the ICU,the MRI rooms,the physios room and many other places through which I had been wheeled in and out  .I was to attend the function .I asked to be dressed formally .I asked Sangeeta to bring out one of my suits and also looked very carefully at the tie that would match it .My mother and father in law told me  that I step out in my pyjamas and kurta .They told me that it was not worth the exertion for a function that was to last for just one hour ,and in any case people would understand .I scowled .I fretted .I told them there was no discussion –I would go out dressed like a normal person or else I would not go .!!

I stepped into the cold January wind and into the quadrangle where the staff and kids were waiting for me .Of course ,I had my hand on Sangeetas’shoulder as I felt very wobbly .My vision was blurred-the antibiotics had taken their toll-and I was breathless after a short walk of about 100 metres .Once in a while ,I would get to see stars in my eyes at ground level.My hands involuntarily trembled .I was hopelessly weak. Everyone clapped the moment they saw me –involuntarily .They gave me bouquets and Sanjay ,the Dean of Hostels encouraged  me to speak a few words .I told the gathering ,how nice it felt to be back to where I belonged ,and that I had a peep into the other world .But I did not like it there and like a bad coin I was back .I thanked them for their best wishes which had compelled God to keep me afloat .I could not speak more –I was physically not upto it and emotionally too moved .Each child and staff member appeared so divine .

The struggle to get myself onto my feet ,on my own was the real struggle .It was not  easy .I used to take the easy way out and keep lying in bed .Then one day , it hit me hard –come on ,I told myself .Move your bloody ass .Do something .Maybe you are becoming a liability.Do you want to live like this ? .For everything you ask for someone to help you  .For how long ?My younger sister Bina had given me a stationary cycle .It was lying outside my room .I could see it .I decided to use it .So I hobbled out of the room ,sometimes seeing the same things in double images ,and got onto the cycle .It had a meter which showed how many metres you cyled and how many calories you burnt .And how many minutes you took.The first day i could cycle only 10 metres .!!I set myself small targets .Tommorow 15 metres ,20 metres ,40 metres ..................!!

Once I was on  the cycle I was obsessed .I kept telling myself –no one can help you more than you yourself .I used to pant .I used to puff.I used to feel like a vegetable .The days when i would be able to cycle 5 kms appeared a dream .But i could not abandon it . I had to overcome it .I used to remember the words of our atheletics coach Mr Hooda telling me at times when I trained under him and at times  told him that I was tired .And he would say ‘Aur agar ib there paache sher aur who bhi bhooka ,aa jaye ,to ke karega’?(and now if you come to know that there was a hungry lion behind you what would you do?).Obviously I would run ,I would tell .That spirit had been ingrained in me . I would be working on the cycle four times a day .I had set myself a target to be able to jog on the 4^th of March - sister Kusums birthday .In my mind I wanted to dedicate the jog for whatever it was worth to her .She had helped me take my first few steps at the Apollo hospital .I made my decision  public .There was no going back now .By about the 20^th of Feburary ,I was walking reasonably well .Sometimes I would trip ,but by and large I was steady .I however do remember a Spic Macay programme in which I had to walk down the stairs of our open air theatre and Shalini our Music teacher was accompanying me .As I took a few steps down ,I had a violent bout of dizziness.My head spun,and immediately ,I put my hand on the shoulders of Shalini.I wondered whether I would be able to reach the stage ,and deliver the momentoes and a speech ‘Kya hua Sir”,she asked me rather worried ‘Chakker”I told her .She told me to sit down ,I refused .The hungry lion of Hooda was chasing me .He would eat me up if I sat .!!

And thus it continued .I must confess ,that it was a huge effort .And I must confess that the effort was won in the mind .Its amazing how powerful the mind is .It can make the strongest of bodies look so weak and the weakest of bodies look so strong .Empires are won and lost in the mind .Arguments are won and lost in the mind .Ideas are created and destroyed in the mind .Cultures are wiped out in the mind .You become a criminal because of your mind .You become a saint because of the mind .As long as you can think –you can do anything .Always evaluate a person by the way he /she thinks .

4^th March came .I was ready for the run .I had taken a few jogs in the protection of the darkness of the evening .And it had felt fine .So I took Pratique with me and told him

‘See I am going to run today.You can call your friends and tell them how to learn  a lesson on how to honour a commitment .Not to anyone else ,but to oneself”.And in the presence of a few children I ran –or jogged .The kids cheered me on .I had won my first battle .But I was getting ready for my second .To Squash with Pratique .As a tribute to his guts and optimism about the strength of his father .When everything was lost in the hospital –except hope ,Pratique was the one who had commented –
“My Dad is very strong .I know it because I play squash with him everyday.Nothing will happen to him” .And after saying this,had clung onto his Mom ,and  had broken down ."Mom what will happen if Dad.........?",he had sobbed .
"We will have to manage .I am there .And dont worry son , Dad will be fine ",Sangeeta had answered .
The little boy's,and his steely Mom's  hope and courage had to be honoured .And with that thought in my mind ,my leg would propel the pedal one more time .Over and over again .Morning ,afternoon,evening and sometimes midnight when i lay awake .No way was i ever going to give up .Never have i been a quitter -even when i clung on to life by a thread .
The lion was again chasing me .

(To be concluded)

The Battle To Survive -Part 1

I was taken seriously ill on the 5^th of December 2006.It was something that hit me most unexpectedly.We all had dinner together –dal,rice and tomato ‘chutney’ ,but as I walked up the stairs to my room ,I felt as if I had a fever coming on .I asked Sangeeta for the thermometer and on checking it found it was around the 100 mark .I had never ever been admitted b to a hospital in my life before ,and had never taken many drugs –save a occasional –very rare –antibiotic .There was no reason for me to feel alarmed .’’Its fatigue fever ‘’,I told Sangeeta .I had been playing regular squash in the evenings and had also taken a trip to Rai to play a past vs present cricket match .It was all adding up ,I told her .I popped a tablet of Sumo and went off to sleep .I was to get up only after 60 hrs in far off Delhi .!!

What happened ?No one knows for sure till now .What I know are the events that unfolded as I battled with my life .Apparently ,after taking the tablet and hitting my cosy bed ,I went twice to the bathroom at night and brought up –something I don’t remember at all .Sangeeta asked me whether I was fine and all I said was ‘’huh’.By 5 am in the morning I was like a living dead man –completely spaced out .She called the school doctor –Monika –and the school administrator –Bharat Kishore .My temperature was high and they all took the decision to shift me to a local hospital .My condition continued to deteriorate .Sangeeta probably panicked and called up my sisters .All of them descended to Jaipur to find me in a coma .!!Friends started gathering in the hospital.Teachers ,students ,fellow principals ,drivers ,conducters of our bus fleet all gathered in the corridors .Everyone realized that there was something very serious happening to me .My pulse started to drop –I was dying.!

But there was no way that anyone was going to let me die .Far away in Bombay the family youngster Avinash  was busy conferencing with the other youngster Akshay to look at ways and means to take important decisions that may save their Maama.They were quick and decisive -a quality that comes to the brilliant and clear headed .It is no surprise that they are among the best brains that India has to offer to the world . A call was taken –I was to be shifted to Delhi in a air ambulance to Apollo where they had tracked down Indias best neuro physician Dr Kohli to take charge .Dr Kohli –oh such a great guy –was already in touch with the rather incompetent doctor at Jaipur ,and had started my medication .A back up plan was also put in place to shift me to Switzerland (known for its excellence in neuro repairs).The clearances for the landing and take off  to Delhi had been organized by very old family friends –the Bhans (Air Marshall)and within a couple of hours Dr Kohli was staring at my body ,checking it for whatever it was worth before getting involved in a effort to save me .

It looked grim.When someone asked him what my chances of survival were ,his answer was –‘miracles do take place ,lets be optimistic .One can never be dead till one is alive ‘’.!!Everyone came to visit me .Ex students came in droves .Teachers brought mountains of cards made by children,Sahar drove all the way to Dargah Sharif ,Sanjay Kumar went to 5 temples to beg for my life .The grandmother of Charudhi ,a student of the school ,and aged ,sat outside in the waiting room .Her mission-she would only leave once I opened my eyes ,My sisters –Bina,Indu,Kusum,and Laxmi –kept a 24 hr vigil on me .My nephews and my niece were being exposed to the grim realities of life .I am told my nephew Abhishek broke down after he saw me limp with a stubble and with tubes all around .But there was no  ray of hope .My inlaws and my brother in law –Sanjeev –tried everything to make sure that I survive .There were innumerable trips to temples and on advice of our good friend Ajit Singh and his wife Kiran ,a Styanarain Katha was started .My blood pressure continued to drop .It was time to now throw the last dice .The gambler Dr Kohli came out to seek permission .He wanted to put me on the ventilator .My lungs were collapsing .It was the signal for the beginning of the end .It was as close as anyone can get to death .

Did I know what was happening to me ?What was I feeling ?To be honest ,I don’t remember a thing about this huge drama .All I know is that I must have inconvenienced a lot of people .And that even my enemies must have prayed for me to stay alive .It was  so easy to topple me over . Even half a ill will would have done me in. I was on the brink.

But no .There was something still left for me to do in this world .The doctor pushed the rather big tube of the ventilator into my mouth .My nephew Akshay was watching over me as the doctors went to fetch the machine .Suddenly he saw me open my eyes momentarily .He says I held it for a couple of seconds without blinking .He ran out to announce to a huddled family and a praying Sangeeta ‘’Maama opened his eyes .I promise I saw it ‘’Much like Archimedes running out yelling –‘’Eureka ,Eureka ‘’.I had turned around .A bad coin always finds its way back .!!I kept slipping and resurfacing which is a normal pattern when one emerges out of coma .I had never seen Dr Kohli and Dr Zuber .Obviously I did not recognize them .But what was more disturbing was that I did not even recognize my son and wife and  my family members .!!

There was much that happened .It is not going to be possible for me to put down all the incidents in which I had to  fight and claw my back consciously into life .I cant forget the first time they told me  to try to walk .There was a nurse ,and the physio ,and my sister Kusum ..They advised me to take their help and put my hands around their shoulders as I stepped down from my bed (by this time I was in a private room as opposed to the ICU ).I told them no –I will be able to walk without help .After all I had been chasing a squash ball all over the court for more than 25 years  .I had played 45 yrs of a good level of cricket .I was proud of my legs .I was sure I would be able to walk-albeit with some effort .As I put my weight (down by 15 kgs during my illness)on my feet ,I collapsed on to the floor like a sack of potatoes .It seemed my legs were stuffed with jelly .There seemed nothing that could hold up my weight .God –the first thought-was I paralysed  leg downwards?Or was it a  normal thing to happen to people who had spent nearly 60 hrs in coma ?And of course a sense of great loss and guilt .Why did I never respect my wonderful legs while they took me everywhere –from mountains to deserts ,to playing arenas ,to everytime my made a cup of tea?Would I lose them ?It was this fear ,mixed with disappointment that made me cry .And I wept like a child .It was the first time I had done that since the death of my father .But at that time I was a child .Now I was a grown up adult ,who also happened to be the Principal of a leading school .It must have hurt me very much to cry like that.Nobody can ever imagine how it hit me .But it was the beginning of a great battle of life .The family ,the people ,the doctors had fought  half the battle for me .I was readying myself for the other half .It continues till today .It will continue to the end of my life .It is a battle I fight everyday when i get up–not to forget that each day is precious .And not to forget that there is a God .And maybe it is living with me in the form of a woman called Sangeeta .More of that later

Visiting Tihar To Hear A Confession-Part 3

I entered the premises of the Tihar Jail .When, “Either you love her ,or hate her Kiran Bedi" was the IG Prisons ,she had renamed it as Tihar Ashram .I am glad she did ,because it is very demeaning to call anyyone and everyyone staying there as staying in a jail .I fully endorse Kiran Bedis idea of changing the name to Tihar Ashram .Its the largest Ashram in the world ,and is called Tihar because it was built in the village of Tihar where it is now housed .It can house  upto 5000 people ,but at that timewhen I went to meet Aditya  there were more than 10,000 inmates in it .Some amazing things happen there –including production of things which are branded as “made in Tihar”.Kiran Bedi also introduced a meditation centre apart from many other reforms.She is a  amazing woman and you feel her impact at many places (she was called “Crane Bedi”,when she introduced the system of towing away cars by cranes in Delhi-including mine from the Red Fort Area once !!).

I was frisked –though Randhir had made it easier for me to get in .Since my cars number had been handed to the various check points ,I got a number of salutes as I made my way to his office .He greeted me warmly ,and after a quick cup of tea and a butter sandwich ,I was ready to leave for the barrack where I was to meet my “dear”,student.

“I want to wash up and change Randhir.”,I told my IPS officer friend .He appeared quite surprised .

“But Kain ,you look fine .And you are wearing perfectly fine clothes .Acchi Fabindia ki Kameez pehen rakhi hai yaar”,he joked .

“Nahi Randhir .I am meeting Aditya after 20 years .I want him to see me as he saw me when I taught him .I have brought my Levis and T Shirt ,and I will dab a bit of English Leather after shave .The smell and sight should be as close to what he would remember me as .I want to freeze time for him and for myself .He should feel that time has not really slipped away .”.I know it was not theoretically a correct postulate .I knew that time had passed by .I also knew that by seeing him ,that idea would get reinforced .But I wanted to do something my heart was prompting me to do .I changed into my jeans and T-Shirt,and dabbed English Leather liberally on my face .

I walked through the long corridors to a place where Aditya had been called to meet me .Normally  ,friends and relatives are allowed to talk through toughened see through glass on a one to one microphone .But I was given the special privilege because of my high ranking police officer friend .I was to meet him in a small room . “Kain kuch aisi vaisi baat mat karnaa .Closed circuit TV par sab record hota hai .Aur bahut sensitive microphones hai .”These were too many restrictions for someone like me ,who is free talking –but there was nothing sinister I was going to talk anyway .

I walked past several chambers looking out for him .Its obvious that he was looking for me as well ,because much before I could reach his  chamber I heard a rather loud “Good afternoon Sir”.My eyes followed the voice desperately to the chamber from where it came .I picked him up in a flash .It was Aditya .!!I told the constable to leave me alone . “ Jiseh me kayi varshoh se talaash kar rahaa tha ,who mujhe mil gaya.Sadhu Ramji  aap thoraa intezaar kariyeh”.

I moved towards Aditya .It was a intense moment –too intense for me to show exuberance or excitement .It was a  play of silence of words .I looked at the middle aged student –he had kept a beard ,and his cheeks were slightly sunk in .He looked wiry as he always was ,and he looked handsome .His eyes –thank you  God for giving us eyes-they never lie!!-,looked kind and loving .He appeared  so far away from the world I lived in .He appeared so calm ,so collected .He looked as if he knew exactly what his mission on earth was .He looked as if he had got a ticket to heaven and wanted to say some things to people like me before embarking on the journey .He certainly seemed more evolved .And he certainly did not deserve to be in Tihar Ashram .He appeared too valuable to be shut out from  society .I spoke my first words

“Aditya”,and a pause .What to speak and where to start from .?

“Recognized me Sir?”.he said and began “Remember ,I was in..”,and before he could go further ,I told him “You are being unkind .Please don’t try to remind me about yourself .I remember what happened 5000 years back .I cant possibly forget what happened 20 years back.You know Aditya , Satre once said”,and before I could complete the sentence ,he clasped my hands and looked me in the eyes and said “You haven’t changed .I feel  I am sitting in your History Class .!”.

We talked a lot .We talked cricket .We talked politics .We talked of Hindi films .I found him very  mentally  strong .Never once did he give me the impression that he was giving up .Only once ,he casually mentioned that there was no point in living when ones prime was spent behind the walls of a Ashram .I sensed my chance to give him “gyaan”.

“Never have that attitude .Human beings are the only living species that have a choice of living or dying every minute .No other species  can exercise this choice .Every minute I live ,is a statement that I don’t want to die .And I will continue to exercise it till I die –whether on a wheel chair ,a old age home ,a mental asylum ,or here .There is nothing in life called prime time or bad times .If you are alive –its prime time .Make no mistake about that”.There was silence .Then he held both my hands and looked at them .He kept looking at them .He first looked at them with my palms facing towards the sky .Like a astrologer would look at it .Then he turned  them the other way ,with the palms facing the ground .I let him do what he wanted .I did not want to disturb him .It must have been a very private moment between his heart and his mind .He squeezed my hands  gently .  I could sense a great emotional upheaval building inside me .His eyes were down because he was looking at my hands .He lifted them and I saw he was crying .We both held each other and cried buckets .Each tear was telling the story of the past !!The wheel of history had turned a full circle .He was still the young boy who I had taught from the 7^th Class through the 12^th .The wheel took me back to the pranks he had played ,to a cricket match in which while batting ,I ran for a single and he sent me back after I was half way down the pitch .I had come back to the pavilion ,thrown my bat and pads and shouted “He bloody got me run out .He does not know the ABC of cricket .Just because you wear white clothes does not mean you are a cricketer.It was my call .The ball was played behind him .”I had thundered .!!I stopped talking to him for many days –even though he had apologized .I also remembered  the cold December night when I thought he had run into the fields .I had shouted “Aditya come back .”He had not come back .I had tried chasing him .But I had given up .He had once again run me out –but this  time not on the cricket field ,but on the field of life .

My time was now coming to a end .I had carried a small book for him called “Who Moved My Cheese”.In it I had scribbled “To Aditya .Not only for old times ,but for times to Come .I am not praying for you ,because you are young .Please pray for me so that I live long enough to spend few years with you in the future .You have what I don’t have –youth .And don’t worry –I am more caught up in the prisons of my mind .One prison –the inability to make sure that you are freed as soon as possible .And always draw inspiration from people like Nelson Mandella .He spent his whole life in prison .And yet did things which someone like me can never do in innumerable lifetimes .Lots of love –Sir”.

I stood up to go .I looked at him .I wondered whether I would ever see him again .My near shave with death had made sure that I did not take things for granted.I had asked him no questions .He was not in a classroom .He obviously knew much more of life than me .I had just reacted to what he had talked .The roles had changed .He had become my teacher .He had evolved beyond the years which he carried on his young shoulders .

“I will try to keep in touch .Though I wont promise .I am caught up in my own prisons from which I try to escape every  minute .But its been a great pleasure and I feel very proud as to how you have handled the pressure .I learnt a lot from you”,and I patted him on his back .The mystery of the boy who had run away into the fields had not been discussed .I had not asked him .But he had reserved it till the end .

“Sir,I have a confession to make”,he started .He was struggling with himself and his words .

“Haan ,bolo Aditya”,I said .

“Sir ,it was me …..”,and he started to choke up .I completed the sentence “who ran into the fields on a cold night”,I said”.  “But ,its fine ,that’s a thing of the past .Its not a big deal .”I answered .

“But a apology is due for all these years .I  apologize on behalf of Girish as well .Maybe ,if we had spoken the truth …..?”,he started .

“Nothing can change destiny .Just move on .Even in the confines of the four walls you can move on .Dont lose hope .And remember the words of Alexandre Dumas who wrote"Until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man ,all human wisdom is summed up in two words-WAIT and HOPE" . Its only when you lose hope ,that you lose everything” ,I said and moved away .Sadhu Ram escorted me to my car ,and after a quick lunch ,I was on my way back to Jaipur.  “Nasir ,Kishore  ki CD lagaanaa”,I requested  my driver.As it happened ,the first song in it was

 “Zindagi Ka Safar ,

Hai yeh Kaisa Safar ,

Koi  Samjhaa  Nahi,

Koi  Jaanaa  Nahi”