Why We Must Take Sides.

As Indians we tend to accept a lot of things without actually questioning whether they are right or wrong .This has something to do with our educational system which makes us learn things by rote ,and also because of the philosophical postulates of our culture .

‘Jo kuch bhi hota hai ,bhagwan ke wajey se hota hai”(whatever happens is because God has willed it that way),or “Yeh to hamare karma me likha thaa”.(It was a part of our destiny ).We have a theory of reincarnation which hammers it into our psyche that whatever has to happen will happen .So just bear with it well and in your next life you will be rewarded .So we tend to accept .And ,the theory also has roots in Greek Philosophy –with its schools of Epicurean and Stoics .

The above has its advantages .My grandmother put up with a lot of tyranny at home ,slogging it out under a very oppressive patriarchal system .She was one of the most unfortunate human beings I have met in my entire life .She lost her husband ,her grown up son ,her son in laws ,her four daughters and finally passed away a paralytic leaving behind only one daughter from a huge family .I often found her smiling and working tirelessly and she always justified her existence by saying that it was a part of her “karma”.At least the philosophy must have anchored her in a world in which she lost everything at a very young age .

However ,there are people who don’t accept things as they happen –just because we cant stop or change them from happening .And I am glad that we don’t .How can anyone accept tyranny ,lies ,loose morality,corruption ,evil as if they cant be fought ,and because they are a part of our karma ?Some of us keep quiet because there are powerful people who form a part of the evil gang .Some of us keep quiet because it is “politically correct”,to keep quiet .Some of us keep quiet ,collaborate with the wrong to get benefits and then desert the wrong when it starts getting uncomfortable .As if there is a choice !!Rats .!!Read what one of the greatest minds of our times ,Ayn Rand writes .I quote

“The man who refuses to judge, who neither agrees nor disagrees, who declares that there are no absolutes and believes that he escapes responsibility, is the man responsible for all the blood that is now spilled in the world. Reality is an absolute, existence is an absolute, a speck of dust is an absolute and so is a human life. Whether you live or die is an absolute. Whether you have a piece of bread or not, is an absolute. Whether you eat your bread or see it vanish into a looter's stomach, is an absolute.
There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil. The man who is wrong still retains some respect for truth, if only by accepting the responsibility of choice. But the man in the middle is the knave who blanks out the truth in order to pretend that no choice or values exist, who is willing to sit out the course of any battle, willing to cash in on the blood of the innocent or to crawl on his belly to the guilty, who dispenses justice by condemning both the robber and the robbed to jail, who solves conflicts by ordering the thinker and the fool to meet each other halfway. In any compromise between food and poison, it is only death that can win. In any compromise between good and evil, it is only evil that can profit. In that transfusion of blood which drains the good to feed the evil, the compromise is the transmitting rubber tube.”Unquote .

Amazing words .And spot on .And just read what the Nobel Prize winning writer Elie Weisel had to say .

“ Of course, indifference can be tempting -- more than that, seductive. It is so much easier to look away from victims. It is so much easier to avoid such rude interruptions to our work, our dreams, our hopes. It is, after all, awkward, troublesome, to be involved in another person's pain and despair. Yet, for the person who is indifferent, his or her neighbor are of no consequence. And, therefore, their lives are meaningless. Their hidden or even visible anguish is of no interest. Indifference reduces the other to an abstraction.

 In a way, to be indifferent to that suffering is what makes the human being inhuman. Indifference, after all, is more dangerous than anger and hatred. Anger can at times be creative. One writes a great poem, a great symphony, one does something special for the sake of humanity because one is angry at the injustice that one witnesses. But indifference is never creative. Even hatred at times may elicit a response. You fight it. You denounce it. You disarm it. Indifference elicits no response. Indifference is not a response.

Indifference is not a beginning, it is an end. And, therefore, indifference is always the friend of the enemy, for it benefits the aggressor -- never his victim, whose pain is magnified when he or she feels forgotten. The political prisoner in his cell, the hungry children, the homeless refugees -- not to respond to their plight, not to relieve their solitude by offering them a spark of hope is to exile them from human memory. And in denying their humanity we betray our own.

Indifference, then, is not only a sin, it is a punishment. And this is one of the most important lessons of this outgoing century's wide-ranging experiments in good and evil.”

Absolutely brilliant .And could have only come from someone who endured and fought evil when Hitler unleashed it against the Jews .

And also listen to what the great Einstein had to say .

“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.” 

Or for that matter the great Conservative thinker Edmund Burke who talked of the “collective wisdom of mankind  

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” 

When voices are suppressed ,when false propaganda starts to roll ,when lies and allegations start to do the rounds ,then the source of evil gets pinpointed .No matter what one does –the voice must be snuffed out .One cant remain silent and be a spectator –because spectators always want to watch a good game .And no ones business is his /her  business if one is in a public office like that of a politician,a school Principal ,a IAS /IPS Officer ,a actor –anything .It directly or indirectly affects us  and humanity as such .Do anything with your house or property .Do anything with your car ,sarees ,jeans or eat any food you want .But dont mess around with universally accepted ideas which give all of us a level playing field .Remember –no man is a island .
 

Welcome To The School, Principal Sahib!!

Yesterday ,a teacher from our school joined as a Principal in a town on the border of Gujerat and Rajasthan .He had told me he was picking up the assignment and in one of my meetings with him ,I had asked him why he wanted to become a Principal when he was in a job that was very visible and probably very satisfying .He had replied “Sir ,meri  bahut tammanaa thi Principal bannekee .Aur ab mujhe chance mil gaya”. My mind went back many years  when I started my journey as a Principal –nearly a quarter century ago .What lies in store for him or for that matter anyone else who is embarking on this very tempestuous affair with society ?And what are the likely challenges and how would he deal with it .?What are the necessary ingredients to be a reasonably good Principal ?

The first important thing to be a good Principal has to be the enthusiasm and desire to be one.The “tammanaa” to be one must be very strong .After 12 years of teaching ,I knew I had to make a changeover .Even though  my strongest skill was teaching .I hate to boast –but I think I was a good teacher .But after a point of time it started to take a toll on me .My reputation started to take a hit .And I had more pride than Sachhin Tendulkar –I wanted to quit on a high .I wanted to leave a taste of Lindt chocolates on the tongue –not of stale rotten fish .I was hungry for a change .I wanted to be a Principal .I wanted to be like Mr Bharadwaj –my Principal ,who was dashing ,smart ,sauve and unique .Of course ,I  never became  like him .!

The next important thing to be a Principal is to have energy .I am of the opinion that the best Principals are the ones who start when they are young . Forty Five ,  years is no age to become a Principal .The energy levels tend to drop and the health issues start to crop up by that time .Your son is looking for employment and your daughter is nearing marriageble age   .One tends to become defensive and one  generally does not want  to take on people and the systems which more often than not need to delearn and reform .Besides –one needs to be energetic to be seen all over the place .Principalship is a operational job –like a field posting – and not a secretarial one .One cant behave like a babu in a "dafter" .!!

A very important thing to be a successful Principal is to be grounded .All of a sudden one gets pitchforked to a situation where you are dealing with a different set of people .I remember how exicted I was when someone pushed a visiting card to meet me .Those days when someone sent visiting cards into your office it meant you were a VIP !!Of course these days even school children have visiting cards .!!But when one is 34 years of age –one tends to get carried away .I remember my response when the visting card reached me .I was free –but I told Gokul my peon to ask Mr Aggarwal to wait . “Unko kaho ki Principal Sahab thore busy hai .Wait  karey”!!Ha ha .When I remember the incident ,I get embarrassed –but I need to share it with all who will become Principals for the first time –try to get away from the false feeling that you are a VIP .You are not –you are the guy who is actually wearing a crown of thorns .Its a tough job .And you realize it sooner –rather than later .Be practical –know yourself well and you will realize that at the end of the day you are just like anyone else ,but with a difference that you accepted to take on the responsibility of anything that happens in your school .The responsibility that the buck will stop at your table .Dont ever shift the blame on someone else .It will not work .And that’s where the pressure builds up .Its not the quantum of work you do –it’s the way you live with a feeling that if anything goes wrong –its your head on the block .Believe me ,you will stop behaving like a Important man .!!

Its important to learn the art of empowering and delegating work .As a new Principal ,one tends to want to centralize and do everything .You want to control power and you don’t want to share it .So in the beginning you will want to do everything –make timetables ,personally allot duties ,give casual leaves ,hold umpteem meetings ,issue advisories ,check copies ,walk into classrooms,direct plays , etc etc .Remember it may be first job as a Principal –but  for the teacher s you are just another new face .

Most importantly ,a new Principal must know how to shift gears from being a teacher to becoming a Principal .One must leave behind all the bad experiences as a teacher(one has a lot of them believe me !!) and your views in the staff room when you become a Principal .Time and again ,I have seen Principals fail because they could not evolve beyond the confines of the staff rooms .One notices the biases creeping in even when you you get elevated  as Heads of Departments or Vice Princpals .Rememeber the designation never makes you a Principal –its your vision and your work that will make you one .I remember the great Indian cricketer ,the late Nawab of Patuadi talking to our football team (Rai) at the Modern School in Delhi when we had lost the final of the Limca Football Tournaments .He smiled ,looked at the team ,looked at us and remarked “You cant win ,if your kit looks so clean and no one was hurt .Look at the boys from Tashi Namgyal Academy ,Gangtok .They look so battered and soiled”.Yes –you don’t become footballers by wearing football kit !!You don’t become a Principal by just getting a tag of a designation .Its hard work ,you will be battered ,you will be soiled ,you will be hurt .But you will win .

What can you expect as a Principal ?A lot of brickbats for sure .There are 2 parents for every child ,your competitor schools and your managements .Dont expect to be applauded .But don’t let the criticism break your spirit .Remember ,we live in a democratic society and we don’t expect everyone to agree with us .So take that in your stride .Dont get overrun by nomenclatures –Member of Parliament .MLA ,IG Police ,Income Tax Commisioner ,SHO ,Padmashri etc .Yes they are all very distinguished people –but if you do some wrong to please them ,they will run a mile away from you if you are questioned .So stand your ground .Be firm and be flexible only in matters that are interpretive and not violative of a simple written and well understood law or policy .If someone has 68 percent and everyone is forcing you to give him a stream whose cut off was 86 and there were 50 children who had more than 68 percent and less than 86 –then  either give all the stream or no one .Even if the Prime Minister asks you to do .These A,B,Cs of school administration must never be violated .Never have a attitude that “sub kuch chaltaa hai ,baad me theek kar layege ”.
You need to be gutsy and brave to be a Principal .As a Principal ,i have been gheraoed ,physically handled ,had a mike thrown at me ,abused ,anonymous letters written against me ,and have had FIRs lodged against my name .Give a damn for these things .Never let your eyebrows crinkle up .Our worst fears never come true .And tommorow is always a new day .A good Principal will never hide when confronted .He will step out .

Apart from that –it’s a great job ,there is a lot of glamour (if you are a part of a good school),there is enough money ,and there is a fair amount of recognition .At times you might find it difficult to get your privacy in a mall ,a restaurant,a movie hall or a airport .You will be invited to big functions ,5 Star Hotels ,and Seminars abroad .So have a set of 4/5 suits ready (definitely one pure black and pure cream !!).My distinguished friend Madan Lal Garg who became one of the leading Principals told us once the difference between a teacher and a Principal “Bhai ,Principal ke pass 5 suit hoe jarroori chahiyeh.Bus itna farak hai uske aur teacher ke beech”.!!But he was obviously oversimplifying the matter .!!You canr reduce a Principalship to a few suits !!

Lastly –expect to be tempted by the lure of monetary benefits .And please ,please ,don’t ever fall into the  trap.Money is not what we become Principals for .No one is going to respect you as a Principal for the amount of money you have .That kind of respect is reserved for industrialists and businessmen because they are in the business of creating money .Not you .You are in the business of creating futures and values to sustain a better world .

I have always been influenced by this prayer of General MacArthur for his son .I think it is a perfect guideline for any Principal to model himself on .

“ Build me a son whose wishes will not take the place of deeds; a son who will know Thee — and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.

Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goals will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, give him, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, and the meekness of true strength.”

Welcome to the world of leadership in a school .Welcome ,Principal Sahab !!

Goodbye Nidhi- My Trusted Friend! .

The first two ladies who manned the Principals office at Dps Jaipur , after Niti Sharma left for the US were Paayal and Nidhi. Paayal was a post graduate in Philosophy whereas Nidhi was a post graduate in English.They were as different in their persona as oranges are from apples .But they had one thing in common though –they  had great presence .Like Paayal, Nidhi  walked into my office -a imposing personality standing nearly 5ft 8inches tall.With a penchant for wearing lovely cotton salwaar kameez,big and artistic looking  ear danglers, and a aversion for sarees and jeans ,she had sensed that since ours was a growing school ,there might be a vacancy .It was this sixth sense of hers which made her stand out from the rest of the pack .After having talked with her for a few minutes ,I asked her to join .Raviji was a very clear headed man –he allowed you to do anything –and especially the selection part . “You have to lead the team Mr Kain –and you must select it .And that also means you are accountable for everything”.,he would say.!I was able to pick up a fabulous team .All of them stayed till I was there .All of them delivered .We produced the best results in the city ,we won each and every tournament in the West Zone DPS meets ,we won all the tournaments and competition in Jaipur ,we were able to create two fabulous properties –The CL Jaipuria Cup and Taal Tarang where all schools came to participate,we put up Annual Functions as glitzy as the Oscars and which were graced by the Governor ,CMs and the top brass of the government,started grand Winter and Spring Carnivals ,started the Shiksha Kendras for the underprivileged children(she was the incharge )!!  –there was not a thing we did wrong .And all that in a short span of 8 years .Nidhi was a key player in the teams efforts .

"Nidhi's Corner "!!

Where Paayal tended to be  boisterous, Nidhi was sedate ,where  Paayal at times was rhetorical then Nidhi was more of substance ,where  Paayal laughed and smiled a lot then Nidhi was was serious and could freeze you with a look .They were as different as any two people could be  and they occupied seats next to each other !!.I am sure there must have been differences between them at times ,but at most times it was amazing how they got along.

Nidhi was a genius with computers and the latest cell phones .There was not a thing she could not handle as far as technology was concerned .Gifted with a mind which could  think clearly and logically ,she was the brain behind every projection about the school-be it the teachers who would  be required after 10 yrs ,or the number of rooms that would have to be added taking into account the growth pattern of the school ,analyzing the board results ,downloading the results of other schools to bring out comparisons ,making and refining advertisements ,bargaining for better deals for tours and travel, organizing gifts for farewells and for guests who came to school ,organizing taxis –well you name it and Nidhi had it on her finger tips .Many times ,I tried to delegate her work to someone else –but it was just not worth it .People like Nidhi are not regular –their work cannot be given to someone else .Can you ask someone else to bat like  Sacchin Tendulkar or sing like Lata Mangeshkar ?.Nidhi made sure I got enough time for meetings with the staff and the children .She did just about everything for me .I would come  to my office and  find small stickers on my tables with short and  precise instructions written on them.She reminded me about dates for the payments of my insurance policies,credit card balances,flight tickets ,marriage receptions –everything .She never took any leave .She knew everyone and everyone knew her .As a staff member put it the other day –she was a swiss knife .!!I remember travelling in the Czech Republic many years back .Suddenly I got a call from my good friend Ajit because he wanted some school related work at short notice and did not know I was abroad .I told him I would get back to him .I phoned up Nidhi –somewhere from some forest area near near Karlovy Vary .I tried to explain what I wanted for Ajit “Sir ,don’t worry ,I will get in touch with Ajit Sir and if need be will get in touch with you .How is your holiday going ?How is Maam ?And please enjoy yourself and don’t worry about anything”!!.And the work was done –even today I don’t know how she got it done without my signatures .!!That was Nidhi !!

.She was  fiercely loyal and incomparably brave .The school was challenged many  times ,but like Churchill she took the fight to the seas ,oceans,hills,grounds , trenches and beaches .She made sure that the school became a impregnable fortress safe from any attack. Anyone with less commitment would have taken the softer option and may have  colluded .The school had  mischievous elements within its own ranks .It had powerful people outside who wanted a stake in the glamorous brand .They tried to scratch the underbelly of the school –Nidhi –expecting it to be soft .But they were disappointed .They came up against a woman who was as  tough as nails .That is why her work needs to be chronicled and never forgotten .Any one who forgets that would only do it at their own risk .

She stood by the school and me through thick and thin .I remember the days when I fell ill and was admitted to the Apollo Hospital in Delhi .The doctors had kept visitors away and were very strict about people meeting a seriously ill patient .The moment they became lenient  about visitors , Nidhi and Paayal drove down from Jaipur to meet me .My sister Indu asked me to guess who had come to meet me .With tubes all over and hardly being able to speak ,I blurted out ‘Nidhi-Paayal’.How did I know that ,she cooed ‘I knew they would come’, I said .I am sure they were shocked to see me in the state in which I was ,but lied  perhaps for the first time to me ‘Sir ,you look so good .You look perfectly fine’.!! And as always –I wanted to believe them .!!It was this complete faith in them that saw me fight many a battle and come out victorious .You cant succeed if your mind is cluttered with suspicion about people who work immediately next to you .That is what makes their jobs so important and valuable .That is why loyalty becomes so important in profiles of people who man your office .And they were dead honest .They would die rather than be dishonest .And they would die but not beg .They had loyalty, honesty and pride is huge quantities .How can anyone not be close to people like them?

.

Paayal got married and surprisingly never came back even as a visitor to the school .Nidhi blossomed into a terrific resource and helped do nearly everything .There was not a thing she got wrong .She worked late ,she came early –her mantra was –finish the work .She was a regular on Sundays as well and I was forced to come to office ,because I felt guilty that she was sacrificing her Sunday and so should I ..The school had by now grown to  a strength of  3000 and more  .There was a teaching staff of nearly 200.

My time was drawing to a close .I left Jaipur .

I never went back to DPS Jaipur .Nidhi stayed on .I don’t know what happened in the two years that have gone by after I left.I met her only once in January last year when I had gone to Jaipur to attend a wedding .She appeared different .She had grown her hair long (she previously had very short hair –shorter than mine !!), the danglers were missing ,and did not appear to be too bothered about how she looked .But she  appeared disturbed .I am also told that she had started wearing sarees and jeans . !!She obviously was struggling with many issues.Working with different bosses can be very cruel and tough for a job like the one Nidhi was doing.Ask any I.A.S how he/she feels when a government changes.Its difficult to run with the hare and hunt with the hound .I could make out that she would not hang on –she was not the type to stay at a place that interrupted her breathing process.She left yesterday .Meticulous to the end she wrote a small note to me thanking me for everything .This blog is my reply to her note.

If and when I ever go to DPS Jaipur,then I would surely be reminded of these lines of Thomas Gray ,as I pass by the room where Nidhi and Paayal once  sat 

“Now fades the glimmering landscape on the  sight,

And all the air a solemn stillness holds,

Save where the beetle wheels his droning flight,

And drowsy tinklings lull the distant folds;

Perhaps in this neglected spot is laid
Some heart once pregnant with celestial fire;
Hands, that the rod of empire might have sway'd,
Or waked to ecstasy the living lyre.” Thank you Nidhi for everything .I am glad i was not there to give you a farewell .It would have been like being in the midst of a raging storm .And for  me you were always a rainbow -never the storm .God bless ,

Have You Married The Right Person?

I was in Edinburgh last year for a couple of days .And since I was there for such a short time ,I made sure that I went around the city and saw not only the beauty of its flora ,fauna and  buildings, but also made sure that i interacted with as many people who wanted to talk to a foreigner .The city does not give the impression of being  “over” friendly,but then I guess in that part of the world the culture is very different from what we,  here in India are used to .But I was still able to witness a remarkable conversation in a small café on the “Royal Mile”-the mile that is dotted with a number of cafes,shops and the all omnipresent  “Edinburgh Wollen Mills”.

I stepped  into a cafe to have  Scottish food and with it I ordered a can of Coke .Seated next to me was a rather old couple of about 75 years of age .Not a typical old couple –no not the type who walk along with a stick and a slight stoop ,but a rather robust looking man with a thick mop of grey hair, who was sitting  with a pretty grey haired woman .They were holding hands and were looking into each others eyes .They looked desperately in love .My mind interpreted them as newly married for the  “umpteenth” time kind of  marriage that foreigners usually indulge in .!!So nothing unusual .Whether we are 25 ,35 ,or 45,-the enthusiasm of a new marriage starts with a bang but  gradually starts to wear down .By the time we are through with a couple of years we start asking ourselves “Have I married the right person”?.And then the rot begins to set in .You are through with your wild nights ,the fake love whispers ,the looks of something you see everyday starts to lose its sheen,the different minds start  to assert themselves over each other (sometimes colliding),you start comparing your partner with someone else ,and so on .Its a bit like having pasta everyday .!!It starts to taste bad –you start looking for a pizza !!You indulge in looking for reasons to commit infidelity ,you find something again very nice for a couple of years in your new partner,and the rot sets in again and the cycle continues .One may not marry and remarry all that often ,but the fact is that we get bored and feel trapped and try to behave  as if we are happy (because we fear social backlash),but we are infact very unhappy .We get start running with the hare and haunting with the hound .

All these thoughts went through my mind as I watched the old man and his wife take the table next to me .He was smiling when he asked her

“What would you like to drink and eat”?

The lady thought for a while ,smiled and pointed at me and my drink and  said “That”!!

I was at that time sipping my Coke and she obviously wanted a Coke .The man suggested to her

“I think you should have a glass of Ovaltine,(a milk based drink)”.

She paused and said very cutely

“No ,I feel like having a Coke .Please –if that wont disappoint you”?

I was hearing all this and since she had pointed to my can , I had by default  become a participant to the conversation .

“Why don’t you want  her to have a Coke”?I asked . “Its not such a big deal.We don’t live eternally .Its among the few choices we must be allowed to make”,I said .I was just a few hundred meters away from the statue of Adam Smith ,a Scotsman and father of laizzezfairre   economy .!!

“I am asking her to so  because I love her.”

“But that is no justification for taking away her right to have a drink she prefers.What kind of love is that?”, I asked .

He smiled and thought for sometime and replied

“ Sometimes we need to take charge of something we don’t want to lose .You know most men are so dependent on woman that they forget that they need looking after more than we do .She has forgotten what is good for her in her quest to look after me well .She has osteoporosis and needs to have milk based drinks .” And  then uttered those word that  still ring  in my ears

“I would not know what I would do without her .I may physically live longer than her –but then its no point living like a brain dead man”.

I was touched by what he said . He also told me that he had had several ups and down in his relationship with him –but it was a small price for the wonderful time they had spent together .Marriage (another name for staying together for life )is not so simple to manage .We can never say that we married nthe wrong person.The only cases where we can say one is stuck with a wrong spouse are those of domestic abuse, unhealthy practices such as substance abuse , chronic infidelity or impotency . The rest, I believe, can all be overcome. There is no such one right person to marry.Be very clear about it . It is all very romantic to believe in soulmates and the one person God made for you, but the practical truth is that the success of a marriage lies not so much as in marrying the right person, but in adopting the right attitude towards your marriage and partner.And not to presume that the other person needs you more than you need him/her .   

What then is the right attitude that ensures your marriage isn’t wrong? The most important is the sincere intention to make your marriage work. Replacing your partner with someone else is not a solution.Infact it can be very painful because such scars seldom heal.  Mutual respect comes a close second .There must be some USP of your spouse -it cant be that a person does not have their strenghts .Respect that. Patience and the ability to strike an emotional interdependence and so, form an enduring attachment is also a very important requirement . It is also important to surmount your ego and never stop making efforts to keep up a channel of constant interaction and some shared interest. The important thing to remember is it is never too late, if you make the right effort. You would be surprised- scratch the surface and you may find your partner just as eager to meet you half-way.And never compare .There maybe someone richer or prettier –but those are material things .There is a limit to what money can buy and someones looks become ordinary after sometime because you have taken them for granted .In the end, a marriage built on this foundation has a reasonable chance of success. And while I feel and  say that a successful marriage is an accumulation of the simple things, and that a good marriage is simple to understand, I always remind people that you have to do the simple things each and every day of your lives together to make it work.It can never work if it is based on material consideration .

Making a marriage a success requires hard work. If you base your marriage on a lie – you ignored the actions you were observing in your partner and ignored them  – then all of the simple things required to make a marriage work will more than likely not be enough to carry the day.

 It is easy to figure out the health status of a marriage by just watching a couple when they are together or out amongst other people. Indeed, my respect for a man goes up several notches after studying the body language of his wife. Is she confident and fearless as she talks? Does she have an opinion to share? If yes, then she has surely been given due regard and space in her marital home. And if a man is well-groomed and steady, surely he is well-looked after and respected at home.   

The old Scot couple epitomized the success story of marriage .As a parting question I asked

“How long have you been married “

“51 years –I wish life was endless and not counted in years”,he replied .

The old lady was enjoying her Ovaltine as I left McCabe Café .It had started raining .The Café had taught me  a lesson  that no University could  -.simple things matter in love and marriage.Like asking your partner to have Ovaltine instead of a Coke .!! So either all of us are married ‘wrong’ or all of us are married ‘right’. I tend to believe the latter.   
Love well.

The Birth of A New School -The First Day .7th April ,2003.

Any thing  that  you start from scratch has to be something special .Buying a flat, a house or inheriting property  is not the same as building one yourself  . I guess the same goes for schools .

I started two schools –one at Bhopal and another one at Jaipur .Yesterday DPS Jaipur completed 10 years .What is most important for me is the fact that I was present on the first day it started in the capacity of a Principal .What they commonly call “Founder Principal”.I remember it so vividly. . ………

I was the Principal at DPS Jagdishpur when I was offered to start and build DPS Jaipur .The then Chairman ,Mr Narendra Kumar called me to Delhi and in a no nonsense way said

“Kain ,we are sending you to start DPS Jaipur .Just coordinate with the relevant people and tell me when you will take over .” Period . No discussion .I tried to interrupt him by saying

“But Sir….”

He broke into chaste Punjabi

“Kaka ,gal sun layee hai nah ?Bus hun jaa Jaipur chhateey”. (Have you heard me ?Now go and takeover as the Principal of DPS Jaipur quickly!!). He was going through some papers and did not even look at me !!I had known him for about 10 years then –and I knew that arguing was not going to be of much use .

I formally took over in October 2002 .We were to start the school in April .When I went to the present site of the school in Bhankrota  –there was nothing .Not even a  boundary wall .Huge cranes were present and excavations were going on .I remember telling Poonam Kripal

“Poonam ,do you think they will be able to complete it by April”.Poonam just smiled .I knew that like me even she had apprehensions .

But start we did –on the 7^th of April .The credit for it goes to the brilliant Satija brothers and Dilip Sharma who worked in close tandem to make sure that  the dream go up in concrete .It was something which is difficult to describe .And very few will have the privilege to appreciate the efforts because efforts of that kind kind cant be described in words –they have to be seen and experienced .We operated from the big bungalow of Mr Soda in Rathore Nagar .It was a 24 hour open office !!There was no time for lunch ,tea or dinner .Our timings were detwrmined when our deadlines for the day would be met .I remember escorting  Raviji (Ravi Jaipuria ) through a inspection at 1.30 am in the morning .!!On a cold December night in 2002 .He was tireless . “Hamara to rooz ka kaam hai Mr Kain”,he replied when I quizzed him whether he was tired .He had just landed in Jaipur and had come straight to the site .Typical of the man .He never ever wanted to leave anything for the morrow .A amazing  and adorable man .

The first school bus rolled in at 7.42 am on 7^th April .The whole of the  previous  night  was spent in getting the classrooms as ready as possible .At about 12 midnight we realized that we were short on furniture when we counted desks and chairs in each room .

 “Sirjee ,it should be somewhere .It had been ordered”   said Dilip pulling away furiously at the India Kings cigarettes he used to smoke  .

But where was the missing furniture ?.Someone suggested that we check at Rathore Nagar.So off we (Dilip and me ),went to Rathore Nagar and woke up Sureshji (I think he is still there ) who was looking after the things there.And sure enough we found the 20 odd desks and chairs  in the garage .!!

 It was a huge project and we were interested in getting at least 10 classes operational .The rest of the 30 odd classrooms and bathrooms and other facilities would take another two months .We had decided to open the new session on the 7^th and then close the school down on the 27^th .We had decided to restart after the summer holidays on the 7^th of July .That way we would would get an additional  75 days to bring the school in the shape we wanted to .!!

  I remember how all of us were standing in attendance to receive the kids and the staff .There was Ishrat ,Bharat ,Dilip ,Satija ,Choudhry (Rakesh ,who was a engineer with the Jaipuria Group),Laxmi ,Chanda Lal ,Om ,Hariom ,Sangeeta and others .The teachers came –in the buses allotted to them .Poonam Kripal stepped out of the first bus and the others kept coming in one by one .Pragya ,Nidhi Kapoor,Ritu Jhunjhunwala,Rachna ,Shalini ,Gagan Dhaliwal,Surekha ,Neha Kapilla ,Dr Monica ,Megha Saxena  and few others  whom I cant recollect –were also the first day of DPS Teachers !!The children were escorted to the classrooms ,while we waited the arrival of Mrs Dhara Jaipuria –the Pro Vice Chairperson of the school .She arrived at 10 am and went around the school .She went into each and every classroom and interacted with the kids and teachers .We walked with her around the campus and after having tea and biscuits –she left .My office was the second room on the left of the corridor on the ground floor as we walked toward it from the “Snakes and Ladders”.In the first room sat Mr Bharat Kishore and the other staff .The room in front of my office served as the store and book house (under the able and capble hands of Mishra ji ).

Before we knew anything –the school bell had rung for the day.We saw each and every child off and came back to our room to take stock of the day .The attendance for the day was 197 children present ,6 absent ,total 203 .!!

The important thing was –DPS Jaipur had been born .But not before giving the final labour pang .As we sat ,having a cup of tea ,we got a call from a parent that his child had not reached home !!And that the bus driver (who was available on a cell phone ),had said that he the child  had not got on to the bus in the first place .!!Our hearts sank –God where is the kid who was supposed to be in route number 3 and was missing from it ?!!I stuck to the basics –take deep breaths, ask  your mind to cool down ,don’t make any statements to parents that are not factual ,and pray to God to work through the problem .And most importantly –be optimistic ,because our worst fears never come true .

Within 15 minutes we had tracked down the child –who had got onto another bus !!-,he was delivered to the parents house (near Triveni Nagar),we opened up a big bottle of Pepsi ,poured it into 6 glasses ,raised the glasses and clinked them and said “Cheers”

Happy Birthday DPS Jaipur .!! 

School Reunions-Why Most Of Us Love Them!!

I was  browsing the Facebook page of a prominent school of  Dehradun on which a ex student (now in her 60ties ),had put up two photographs of the school she had studied in during the sixties .And inevitably the word nostalgia found its way into the photographs captions .Nothing new .We all put up photographs of the schools we studied in .And we all want to flaunt its rich heritage and its distinguished alumni .The response was also expected –a flood of teary eyed comments ,about the teachers ,about the friends and about the passing away of so and so .!!Again nothing new .

But the question still remains –why do we respond so powerfully to a collective memory of something which we never liked so much at the time we were in it ?Schools then ,(and let me be honest even now ) were always  a symbol of something that was not a joyous experience to go through .It led to a movement which propagated that if a child likes to go to a school –then it’s a good school,irrespective of whether he learnt anything there or not  .Otherwise –it’s a bad school .!But years down the line all stressful memories  get  washed away and the one memory that keeps haunting you is  –“school was wow .I wish I could go back to it .Oh –what would I not give to be taught by Mr G.C .Gupta or Mr J.L. D’Souza”.!!Why ?

I think its partly because as human beings we get “selective” about our memories .We tend to select the great moments of our life –and we have plenty of them in school .

Psychologists also propound the theory that the recall factor is the strongest when we are young .In other words –the further one goes into the past ,the stronger are the memories .Which is interesting because one would expect that what happened in the near past should be clearer in our memory than something that happened lets say about 40 years back .But in practical terms it does not work like that. .At least as far as I am concerned –I have very vivid memories of what happened when I was a school boy and less of  them  what happened to me lets say about 5 years back .The result –we connect with what we can remember ,and schooldays are the strongest connect ,because they go as far as one can get as one ages .

Apart from what psychologists say ,I think there are certain other factors which make school days  chil always special .No matter what one goes through –childhood is always associated with your dreams .Its a special quality that a child has –to dream .To dream and enjoy  it –you  have to be be a child or as innocent as a child .The entire school system was based on selling you dreams .I remember writing a essay “if I could fly”.!!And I remember reading a fairy tale of “Thumbelina”,and “Jack and the beanstalk”.!! I remember acting in “Cindarella”as Prince Charming  in “Cindarella”.

I remember asking my mother once as to why people die .She tried to handle it in a simple way by saying “People die when they stop breathing”.But why would people want to stop breathing ?I vowed not to stop breathing ever ,and so much so  that when I saw my mother in coma, and everyone around me was telling me that  i must be “brave”,I just saw no  reason for it .I went near her still body ,and could see her breathing .I was convinced that everyone was being unduly pessimistic . Innocence (like foolishness ),has a joy .I don’t know whether I was foolish –but I promise you that like many schoolboys ,I was innocent .As I grew up –it kept getting diluted in my quest to be successful .

While in school we dream of our future .In a uninhibited way .I wanted to be truck driver .Why would anyone not want to be a truck driver ?One got to drive endlessly ,one did not have to switch off lights at 9 pm and go off to sleep ,one need not take the compulsory afternoon nap between 3 to 4pm and one could eat food at any place on a highway .There were wonderful dhabhas as we drove with my dad on the Dehradun –Delhi Highway and while we stopped at them for a cold drink or a hot cup of tea ,I could see the drivers of the trucks just lie on the charpoys and gorge into wonderful dhabha food .I wanted to be a truck driver .I never understood why father  scowled at me .But as a schoolboy no one could stop me from dreaming .Thats another matter that I was not allowed to chase them .

Years down the line my thought processes got “corrupted”.I started eyeing jobs that were “status” oriented and which would fetch me money .And it got more “corrupt” when my son started doing a course at college .”Economics” was the mantra .Why ?Well you can crack either the IAS ,or the CAT ,or you could do research and become a Professor at a American University .!!You could also become a investment banker or work with the World Bank .You could go to the London School of Economics or the London Business School .!!After all –he is my only child !!So life has become very complicated now .But as a school boy –those days –no one ever thought in such a complicated way .

Another reason for glorifying your schooldays is perhaps the fact that one is in great health when one is in school .The deterioration sets in gradually –the niggling pains ,the increase in blood pressure ,the increase in blood sugar ,the high cholestoral level ,the odd operation ,the nightmare of the ICU ,a heart attack ,-these are things one never thinks of when one is in school .And yet –these are things which obsess people as they age .We get worried about the bulging belly and the hips ,we get worried about the streaks of grey as they start to show and we get horrified to see the crows feet near our eyes .Oh God –schooldays were so lovely .!!

And perhaps the most important reason for loving our schooldays is the fact that we are more equal in a school than in  any other place where we gather regularly to work in life later  .True there is a difference between children who do well in studies and the others-but then that gets offset by children who do brilliantly in debates or games or music etc .Or by someone who is hopeless in everything else –but has great looks .He was the guy all the girls were mad about .And girls in school never think like girls in college or in jobs –how much money does this guy have and after 10 years what rank will he be holding .!! The reason for liking someone was looks and the persons ability to care for you .For me it still is .!!

As we move on in life ,we get into more and more complicated formulas about how to live it .And frankly speaking I don’t understand half of them .I was recently at the Secretariat of a state where my school mate is the Chief Secretary .In between conversations with me ,he was attending to some visitors as well .And most of the time he was talking stuff which I could not understand . “No no Mr Duggal ,how can he be junior to you” he said

“Sir , because he is drawing less salary than me”,replied Mr Duggal .Made sense to me –but not to the Chief Secretary .

“Mr Duggal ,but he is in a higher scale than you”, and things were getting complicated now .Scales ?

“But Sir ,his grade pay is less than mine”,replied Duggal .I switched off .!!When he left my friend looked at me and said 

“He has a  problem of pay fixation .Thoda sa complicated hai mamlaa”.!!And then replied

“Yaar Kulu ,there were no complications when we were in school .I remember you were in Ranjit House and I was in Ashoka House and all of us had the bun and samosa at the tea break .!!”he said

“And you came first in Class ,while I was the Headboy.But remember Amar Sharma the good looking guy .?We envied him as he had all the CJM girls running around him.And he had played Under 19 Cricket for India  .”I replied .And then after a time I said “Sadly ,he passed away a few years back in Mumbai .Too much of drinking –too much of smoking”

“Yes”,replied my school mate  . “At the end of the day ,death is the greatest leveler.Baki sab democracy ke fundey bekaar hai .(All other Fundamentals of Democracy are fake)We are all equal that way”,he said

“And perhaps we are more equal than ever again  while we are at school .We pay the same fees ,we wear the same uniforms ,we are taught by the same teachers ,we have the same type of classrooms ,and we have unlimited and uninhibited dreams .No one can tax us on that”,I replied .

Maybe that’s the reason why we glorify schooldays.It helps us to forget  the sharp inequalities that overtake our lives as we grow older.No one likes to live in a system in which one feels privileged at the expense of the others .And maybe that’s why we love going back for reunions .You are still known by your school numbers and your school houses .And the talk will inevitably veer around to incidents that took place many years back .A reunion in which people are talking about Indo Pak relations or about Anand Kejriwal –is not a school union . A reunion is a resurrection of our past and our dreams .Not all of them worked out –but at least I am glad I dreamt them .!!

  

Ganesh Pujas-What They Mean To Me .!!

Two days ago I sat- as I have been doing for the past 20 years- in a Ganesh Pooja .Ganesh Pooja is a ceremony by which one invokes the blessings of Lord Ganesh –the god with the head of the elephant and the rather big but cute looking belly .It is usually done when one starts a new venture and in case of schools ,it is usually a ceremony which takes place on the first day of new session .Lord Ganesh is generally regarded as the God of Widom –and his elephant ears can hear a discordant note that starts from a long distance away (it is said elephants can hear noises upto a distance of 10 kms !!).

Traditional stories tell that Lord Ganesh was created by goddess Parvati, consort of Lord Shiva. She then set him to stand guard at her door while she bathed. Lord Shiva returned and, as Ganesh didn't know him, he didn't allow him to enter which  enraged Lord Shiva and  he asked his followers  to teach the child some manners.But  Ganesha was very powerful, being born of Parvati, the embodiment of shakti (or power). He defeated the ghost-followers (called "Ghana"s) and declared nobody was allowed to enter while his mother was bathing.

After the devas were defeated, the Trinity,- the Creator, Preserver and Destroyer- of the universe launched an attack against Ganesha. Amidst the fighting, Shiva severed the head of the child. But this brought on Parvathi's rage. Seeing her son dead, Parvathi revealed her true self, as the Adi-shakti, the prime energy that fuels the universe and sustains matter. Taking on a terrible form, she vowed to destroy the universe where her son was killed and re-create a better one. The Gods prostrated before her and Shiva promised that her son would  live again. The Trinity hunted the world for a head and came across a mother elephant crying for her dead baby. They consoled the mother and fixed the head of the baby elephant in place of Ganesha's head. Lord Shiva also declared that from this day, the boy would be called as "Ganesh" (Gana-Isha : lord of the Ganas). In this way, Lord Ganesh came to be depicted as the elephant-headed God.And also as someone who would not allow any forces to enter without due permission .Thats why ,he is the first God to be invoked so that others may be allowed to enter .!!

Of course the above narration is a part of Hindu mythology .Whenever I enter a Ganesh Puja ,I am acutely aware of it .As I made my way to sit in  the Puja ,I saw Sangeeta take her rightful place as the “chief worshipper”.The Panditji made her sit and started rattling off Sanskritic Shlokas .Even after going through nearly 50 of these pujas in my life so far –I don’t understand a thing about what the priest  chants today, and asks her  to repeat .He is very musical in his tone and his eyes are bright and they dance from one person to another .He transports me back to time and space .Once upon a time in Bhopal,1992………………………………….

Yes ,I remember as a young Principal ,I had sat for the Puja at Bhopal.After months of slogging in the unforgiving heat , Jaswant Singh our school contracter from Model Town Delhi, had handed over the building.We had to start the school in July (normally school sessions start in April but the project had been delayed ).He had come up to me and said

“Lo Sirji –hun tussee school start kardo”(Take over Sir ,and start the school).

I had passed a message around to start the school 3 days after the taking over but had  not factored in some time for the Ganesh Pooja .To be honest ,I was not aware about the rituals .Infact ,I was quite anti ritualistic ,having been highly influenced by Karl Marx   and his famous quote “religion is the opium of the people”. But Jaswant was educative, persuasive and insistent

“Nahi Sirjee –this is impossible .Arrey kee kardeh ho!?(what are you doing!)Na ,Na,Na .You cant start the school without Ganesh Puja”.

I can still picture him in his light blue turban .At that point of time he represented secularism at its pristine best (remember this  was around the time of the destruction of the Babri Masjid and the strong Anti –Sikh Riots in Delhi and elsewhere) .And as it drizzled –I sat with folded hands in the foyer of Bal Bharati School below the board which carries the name of the founding teachers .Sitting next to me was Jaswant Singh ,Vikas Srivastava and Giri .The priest chanted prayers ,asked me to put so many things into the fire ,tied a “mauli” around wrist and I was told by Jaswant to touch his feet .I obediently did all that .After that we all got “laddoos” to eat .The school had begun and with Lord Ganesha’s grace –I had no trouble in leading it .Of course there were a few hiccups –but I presume even Gods get hiccups .!!

What do I do when I sit in a puja and don’t understand a thing ? I take  vows –I would do all that I could to protect the children under my care .I also vowed not to crumble under pressure to do a easy wrong instead of a difficult right .For me –that is what Ganesh Pujas always represented .I am sure all Principals must be having their “dialogue” with Lord Ganesh .Because I  haven’t met anyone who understands anything that a priest chants .

I still remember the Ganesh Pujas in Jaipur very vividly .Like Bal Bharati Bhopal ,I was the founder Principal of the Delhi Public School which is on the Highway 8.It was a beautifully built school –Mrs Manis architectural genius ,Mr Satijas brilliance as a engineer and Ravijis generosity made sure that at that point of time ,it was amongst the most beautifully built schools in India (though I must admit that schools like Genesis Global make other schools look like a LIG of the DDA now !!).I remember sitting at the Puja in the room of what at time used to be the administrators room (maybe it still is ).The priest was the local postman who doubled up as the master of ceremonies on such occasions .He used to live nearby in Bhankrota .There were lots of people in that room –there was Bharat Kishoreji ,Omnarayan (the electrician),HariOm the Supervisor of the Housekeeping Staff –and Mr Rustogi and his wife Ruth who were on a visit to the school to plan a programme for teachers training .I vividly remember what I was thinking .I asked Lord Ganesh to give a fraction of his wisdom .I remember talking to myself in my mind –school buildings are made by the financiers ,the architects and engineers .They are made by joining bricks ,steel, cement and other materials .But SCHOOLS (AS DISTINCT FROM SCHOOL BUILDINGS),are made by bringing people together ,by imparting values to children and by not compromising on the collective wisdom of mankind through the ages .Schools are built by infusing ideas and values into those who inhabit it ……..!Those were the thoughts that went through my mind as I sat listening to the panditji.Suddenly ,I realized that the puja was over .We were embracing each other .But I still remember that day very clearly .

And it was back to the Pujas in Ahmedabad .I  remember the one which was held to start our new campus at Sattelite .As usual –the Principal was made to sit right in front of the Lord Almighty .Someone asked me “Mr Kain ,how are you feeling”?

“Lots of pressure”!! replied .

“But why –and whose pressure” asked the gentleman again .

“If you are doing pooja of  the God in front of you ,and you have Pooja just behind you ,you cant not feel the pressure of the poojas”,I joked (incidentally the name of the Chairperson of the school is Pooja Shroff and she was seated just behind me ).

And thus the journey continues .Now when I sit in the Ganesh Puja –I don’t sit in it as the Principal of the school .Now I pray that Lord Ganesha should impart wisdom to the new incumbent .At the end of the day –its wisdom that is of prime importance in running of schools .Everyone has degrees and experience .Few have wisdom .And Lord Ganesh is the epitome of it .!!