Have You Married The Right Person?

I was in Edinburgh last year for a couple of days .And since I was there for such a short time ,I made sure that I went around the city and saw not only the beauty of its flora ,fauna and  buildings, but also made sure that i interacted with as many people who wanted to talk to a foreigner .The city does not give the impression of being  “over” friendly,but then I guess in that part of the world the culture is very different from what we,  here in India are used to .But I was still able to witness a remarkable conversation in a small café on the “Royal Mile”-the mile that is dotted with a number of cafes,shops and the all omnipresent  “Edinburgh Wollen Mills”.

I stepped  into a cafe to have  Scottish food and with it I ordered a can of Coke .Seated next to me was a rather old couple of about 75 years of age .Not a typical old couple –no not the type who walk along with a stick and a slight stoop ,but a rather robust looking man with a thick mop of grey hair, who was sitting  with a pretty grey haired woman .They were holding hands and were looking into each others eyes .They looked desperately in love .My mind interpreted them as newly married for the  “umpteenth” time kind of  marriage that foreigners usually indulge in .!!So nothing unusual .Whether we are 25 ,35 ,or 45,-the enthusiasm of a new marriage starts with a bang but  gradually starts to wear down .By the time we are through with a couple of years we start asking ourselves “Have I married the right person”?.And then the rot begins to set in .You are through with your wild nights ,the fake love whispers ,the looks of something you see everyday starts to lose its sheen,the different minds start  to assert themselves over each other (sometimes colliding),you start comparing your partner with someone else ,and so on .Its a bit like having pasta everyday .!!It starts to taste bad –you start looking for a pizza !!You indulge in looking for reasons to commit infidelity ,you find something again very nice for a couple of years in your new partner,and the rot sets in again and the cycle continues .One may not marry and remarry all that often ,but the fact is that we get bored and feel trapped and try to behave  as if we are happy (because we fear social backlash),but we are infact very unhappy .We get start running with the hare and haunting with the hound .

All these thoughts went through my mind as I watched the old man and his wife take the table next to me .He was smiling when he asked her

“What would you like to drink and eat”?

The lady thought for a while ,smiled and pointed at me and my drink and  said “That”!!

I was at that time sipping my Coke and she obviously wanted a Coke .The man suggested to her

“I think you should have a glass of Ovaltine,(a milk based drink)”.

She paused and said very cutely

“No ,I feel like having a Coke .Please –if that wont disappoint you”?

I was hearing all this and since she had pointed to my can , I had by default  become a participant to the conversation .

“Why don’t you want  her to have a Coke”?I asked . “Its not such a big deal.We don’t live eternally .Its among the few choices we must be allowed to make”,I said .I was just a few hundred meters away from the statue of Adam Smith ,a Scotsman and father of laizzezfairre   economy .!!

“I am asking her to so  because I love her.”

“But that is no justification for taking away her right to have a drink she prefers.What kind of love is that?”, I asked .

He smiled and thought for sometime and replied

“ Sometimes we need to take charge of something we don’t want to lose .You know most men are so dependent on woman that they forget that they need looking after more than we do .She has forgotten what is good for her in her quest to look after me well .She has osteoporosis and needs to have milk based drinks .” And  then uttered those word that  still ring  in my ears

“I would not know what I would do without her .I may physically live longer than her –but then its no point living like a brain dead man”.

I was touched by what he said . He also told me that he had had several ups and down in his relationship with him –but it was a small price for the wonderful time they had spent together .Marriage (another name for staying together for life )is not so simple to manage .We can never say that we married nthe wrong person.The only cases where we can say one is stuck with a wrong spouse are those of domestic abuse, unhealthy practices such as substance abuse , chronic infidelity or impotency . The rest, I believe, can all be overcome. There is no such one right person to marry.Be very clear about it . It is all very romantic to believe in soulmates and the one person God made for you, but the practical truth is that the success of a marriage lies not so much as in marrying the right person, but in adopting the right attitude towards your marriage and partner.And not to presume that the other person needs you more than you need him/her .   

What then is the right attitude that ensures your marriage isn’t wrong? The most important is the sincere intention to make your marriage work. Replacing your partner with someone else is not a solution.Infact it can be very painful because such scars seldom heal.  Mutual respect comes a close second .There must be some USP of your spouse -it cant be that a person does not have their strenghts .Respect that. Patience and the ability to strike an emotional interdependence and so, form an enduring attachment is also a very important requirement . It is also important to surmount your ego and never stop making efforts to keep up a channel of constant interaction and some shared interest. The important thing to remember is it is never too late, if you make the right effort. You would be surprised- scratch the surface and you may find your partner just as eager to meet you half-way.And never compare .There maybe someone richer or prettier –but those are material things .There is a limit to what money can buy and someones looks become ordinary after sometime because you have taken them for granted .In the end, a marriage built on this foundation has a reasonable chance of success. And while I feel and  say that a successful marriage is an accumulation of the simple things, and that a good marriage is simple to understand, I always remind people that you have to do the simple things each and every day of your lives together to make it work.It can never work if it is based on material consideration .

Making a marriage a success requires hard work. If you base your marriage on a lie – you ignored the actions you were observing in your partner and ignored them  – then all of the simple things required to make a marriage work will more than likely not be enough to carry the day.

 It is easy to figure out the health status of a marriage by just watching a couple when they are together or out amongst other people. Indeed, my respect for a man goes up several notches after studying the body language of his wife. Is she confident and fearless as she talks? Does she have an opinion to share? If yes, then she has surely been given due regard and space in her marital home. And if a man is well-groomed and steady, surely he is well-looked after and respected at home.   

The old Scot couple epitomized the success story of marriage .As a parting question I asked

“How long have you been married “

“51 years –I wish life was endless and not counted in years”,he replied .

The old lady was enjoying her Ovaltine as I left McCabe Café .It had started raining .The Café had taught me  a lesson  that no University could  -.simple things matter in love and marriage.Like asking your partner to have Ovaltine instead of a Coke .!! So either all of us are married ‘wrong’ or all of us are married ‘right’. I tend to believe the latter.   
Love well.