"For Me It Was Not A Matter Of Survival -It Was A Matter Of Identity."

There was a flurry of activity at the Natarani Darpana Academy .The evening promised to be a  exciting one –a string of distinguished speakers from fields as diverse as travel ,economics, dangers of sharing information on social networking sites,and farming, had gathered  to speak on the theme “Explore ,Innovate ,Create …..The Future” .We (Sangeeta ,Pratique and myself ),took our seats in the fabulous open air theatre of the Darpan Academy .The sun had set ,there was a breeze which floated around and was cool and fresh .Soon the thetre was packed to the rafters as they say .The speakers started trickling in .Sanjana Kapoor made every head turn as she breezed down the steps and took her seat just in front of us .She looked around her immediate surroundings ,caught us with her eye ,smiled and said hello .She has a amazing personality –tall ,well built and extremely pretty .She was draped in a black saree and looked very inquisitive .Suddenly someone else came (she was escorted of course ),and sat down next to Sanjana .They both exchanged pleasantries and they both delved into their paper sheets they were carrying .Apparently these sheets were containing matter on what they were going to speak .The other lady looked very different .She had features  like a male (a sharp jawline ,broad on the chest and a voice that was'nt very feminine ).But she wore a saree .She had curly shoulder length hair ,and did not have a single facial hair .She was as fair as a foreigner .

She was Shreya Lalwani .

Shreya Lalwani with photographs of her as a young boyin the background 

I was seated directly behind her .And what unfolded was a amazing tale .Straight from the horses mouth as they say .

It is difficult to describe someone who was born a male with a womans mind .It is almost impossible to get a peep into the persons  mind that is craving to be a woman in a male body. “He was very handsome ,he was very brave .He was very intelligent”, she said ,looking into the open skies as she delivered her lecture .

“But I made sure and kept telling him to become what I was.For me ,it was not a matter of gender or sexuality .For me ,it was a matter of identity.”There was a pause as she reflected . “He was born into a wealthy family .He was a cute little boy .He always wanted to be with the boys .He was attracted to them”,she said . “But he was torn into becoming what he actually was –a girl .Nobody seemed to understand that .He went to college where he stood first .He used to go into bouts of depression.And then,one day his parents decided to get him married”.

She paused again.

“That night ,I did not let him sleep.He tried to make me understand”,and then after a small chuckle,said “I gave him no respite .I kept telling him to free me from his body .I was trapped in his form –though I tried to dominate his mind.He could not bear the agony any longer .He decided to commit suicide .He failed in the attempt”.

But it made  Shreyas parents realize that it was better to have a daughter alive, rather than a son dead .They relented. Shreya would go in for a operation for a realignment surgery.Shreya had what is termed “Gender Identity Disorder”

The genetic sex of a child is determined at conception. The mother's egg cell (ovum) contains an X chromosome, while the father's sperm cell contains either an X or a Y chromosome. These X and Y chromosomes determine the child's genetic sex.

Normally, an infant inherits one pair of sex chromosomes -- one X from the mother and one X or one Y from the father. The father "determines" the genetic sex of the child. A baby who inherits the X chromosome from the father is a genetic female (two X chromosomes). A baby who inherits the Y chromosome from the father is a genetic male (one X and one Y chromosome). The male and female reproductive organs and genitals both come from the same tissue in the feotus.(very simplistically put)

If the process that causes this feotal tissue to become "male" or "female" is disrupted, ambiguous genitalia can develop. The genitalia makes it difficult to easily identify the infant as male or female. The extent of the ambiguity varies. In very rare instances, the physical appearance may be as fully developed as the opposite of the genetic sex.

  Gender identity disorder is a conflict between a person's physical gender and the gender he or she identifies with. For example, a person identified as a boy may actually feel and act like a girl. The person is very uncomfortable with the gender they were born with.It was this conflict that Shreya (born as Suresh a male )kept talking about .She kept referring to herself before she underwent surgery as “him”.The time to end this “dual”,role had come .She was to undergo surgery at the Kokilaben Ambani Hospital at Mumbai .

However  before that ,she had to have harmone replacement therapy for a year .She also had to undergo counselling for the same length of time .

“It was difficult to convince Suresh .I could understand his plight .He had to part with his masculine form .But he was very unselfish”,and she stopped for a while .She was choking up .Not a sound could be heard except the ruffling of the leaves of a tree that  under which we sat .

“He asked for his sperms to be preserved”,she continued .She cant bear children ,but wants to have her former self (Suresh),child through surrogacy .Before she entered the operation theatre she sent a email to all her friends , “I have a female brain in a fertile man’s body. I can change my body but not my mind.”

 Finally on 16 March 2012 ,Shreya was born .

She looked at the crowd .“A surgeons knife set me free .I am only 8 months old .Please let me come to terms with myself .I have so much to learn as yet”.

We all spontaneously clapped .We could understand her  agony and  ecstacy .

Her hormonal treatment will continue for a minimum period of 8 years and maybe for life .At 27 years of age she is a Professor at the Tolani Institute of Business Management at Gandhidham .Her college has been very supportive of her and have also pitched in with finance for her operation .

But one can only guess as to what must be going on in her mind .One cant even imagine what it must be to live two lives in one human form .There must have been a  great conflict between “me” and “him”.It must have been a  see saw battle which must be like climbing the Everest  everyday and then slipping down the slopes and then taking on the challenge of climbing again .Day in, day out ,minute by minute .

She waited for the applause to subside .She wiped a tear which had dared to roll down from her left eyeball .

“Why did I do all this”?,she asked .And after a pregnant silence , answered

“Because for me ,it was not a matter of survival .For me ,it was a matter of identity .I wanted to be who I was and am .”!!

We all stood up to applaud a remarkable human being .Once again ,within the space of 3 hours ,someone else had taught me a lesson –if you have the guts ,you can get anything you want .

Are you all gutsy enough ?!!